How do you know when someone truly cares about you, when thier actions say someth

@white_swan53 Said

I'm wondering if you are really asking for advise or actually answering your own question. maybe a bit of both.
It really sounds to me that you already know how far and how much your 'tough cookie' friend can be trusted. and it also sounds like you have a pretty good handle on your personal issues, maybe it would be better for you to just keep dealing and handling your self and let your friend do the same for herself and her girlfriends. but what do I know anyways ? Good luck . oh and welcome to TFS.

@petitegirl Said

There is someone who is willing to help me with alot of my insecurities that I have been dealing with over the past few years. She is someone who i respect, but only to a certain point. She has trashed me to other people, yet tells me that she cares about me, and wants to help me. Oddly enough, i think she does care... I mentioned to her that i felt very hurt, that she would trash me to others - she basically told me to get over it. This lady by nature is a little "tough cookie", yet she means well. I know that she wants to help me, but her girlfriend is throwing a fit !!! I guess it is strange that this woman would consider helping me after all the bad things that she has said about me. Okay, okay, so the girlfriend is jealous and is trashing me too... All things considered, this lady in Miami, is special to me, she has taught me to think differently and has encouraged me to get off my butt and go to the gym. Please tell me your thoughts, America, I am very confused by all of this!!!! Should I accept this womans help or find someone else to help me?

@someone_else Said

I have a habit of answering questions with stories, so here's my story to you.

Once upon a time, my in-laws were 'mentoring' a young couple at their church. Every time we'd go and visit the in-laws, my m-i-l would start talking negatively about them. She would always tell us that she actually said to her "Your house is such a mess, if you don't get it cleaned up, I'm going to call CPS." and "If you were my daughter, I'd take custody of your kids". Things like that.

I felt badly for that couple because I fail to see how that is 'mentoring'. I don't think that anyone who is helping you should talk like that about you behind your back (or to your face, for that matter). It seems like they're trying to help you so they have a sense of personal achievement.

Just my two cents.

@GSnap Said

Good example. Reminds me of an aunt of mine (who by the way I will not be around anymore). She wanted to always be known as the good samaritan, and don't get me wrong, she would help people - but like your in laws it was always with gossip behind the person's back she was helping, and she was very controlling, therefore in order to get her help you had to abide by her domineering ways.

So it's kind of six of one, half a dozen of the other. Do you choose to remain around someone for their help and stay victim to the gossip and/or domination? I personally chose 'no', she got on my nerves so bad I couldn't even visit her anymore. I wish her well, but i don't choose to surround myself with negative people who want to control everything I do to suit them.

petitegirl only you know if her help is worth knowing that she will malign you behind your back. If you need the help that badly then accept it comes with a price. If you can do w/out her help, i'd suggest just not being a part of her life to any serious extent. People like the woman you describe are usually control freaks. They get pleasure out of helping but often the helping is a form of controlling and very much comes with a pricetag.

@someone_else Said

Hmmm...is your name MaryAnn? You could so easily be my m-i-l's neice.

@GSnap Said

No, but my aunt's name is Mary.