Tweaking a poet- arrgghh!!!!I hate that word.( poet is right)

I was talking about this in writing, but this belongs here. There are no major changes in the poem, just slight differences. This is what happens after the pros get your poem. They made suggestions, only I get to change what I want to. I'm putting this here as an example to aspiring poets; it's in the little things.


Journey of a Lost Soul-original version-

She walks away, not one more tragedy can she endure,
the wind blows and scrambles her hair as it falls upon her
troubled soul.
Left adrift in a sea of worry and despair, as she lingers
in the wasteland of destroyed and torn dreams
that float by her limb by limb, heart by heart
reminding the giver of past indisgressions leaving them
afloat in this cesspool of bewilderment
holding onto a heart that has failed in the billowing winds
that surround the other passengers seeking refuge
in the aftermath of life as they sink or rise into a cavern of
shattered dreams or float to the sky to rest in the wings
of its glory,
each soul set on this path to meander into oblivion
by desires they choose not to control.
Would they thrive in their selfish choices or rot in a sewer
of greedy wants?
She floats in this treacherous sea, slowing slipping away
one more piece of her gone each day as she watches the
bodies turn to garbage and float by her
causing her to swell and tear to escape back into a
world of joy and relief.
Get her out of this pond of desperation, trying not
to wrap her thoughts around her wrongs.
Rowing harder and deep, she pushes the despair to
it?s appropriate place tucked in the hole she saves
for her plight out of a wasted and cruel life.



Journey of a Lost Soul- TWEAKED version

She walks away, not one more tragedy can she endure,
the wind blows and scrambles her mind as it falls upon her
troubled soul.
Left adrift in a sea of worry and despair, she lingers
in this waste of destroyed and torn dreams
that float by her limb by limb, heart by heart
reminding the giver of past indisgressions leaving them
afloat in a cesspool of bewilderment
holding onto a heart that has failed in the billowing winds
that surround the other passengers seeking refuge
in the aftermath of life as they sink or rise into a wave of
shattered dreams or float to the sky to rest in the wings
of its glory,
each soul set on this path to meander into oblivion
by desires they choose not to control.
Would they thrive in their selfish choices or rot in this hell?
She floats in this treacherous ocean, slowing slipping away
one more piece of her gone each day as she watches the
bodies turn to garbage and float by her
causing her to swell and tear to escape back into a
world of joy and relief.
Get her out of this wash of desperation, trying not
to wrap her thoughts around her wrongs.
struggling harder and deep, she pushes the despair to
it?s appropriate place, tucked in the hole she saves
for her plight out of a wasted and cruel life.

sjo/jazz rewritten 8/2009

See if you recognize the differences

I hate the word 'tweaked' full stop. It usually refers to some interfering bugger who can't leave well alone, in any given area.

I notice the word changes of course; both are good.

As I said before though, changing just one word can change the entire context of something.

I believe you'd written this peice in a much darker mood, which it reflects, almost depressing.

The tweaked version, with more flowery words, - though some may say more 'flowing' for it...changes the entire feel, from a mood of hopelessness, to one of hope.
at least that's what I got from the two of them..

I think your aim was for a 'darker' feel?

First one does it for me Reads.....That's you. Second one would of been ok as well if I hadn't known it was you.. Was there a wrong version? not in my eyes but I am no crytic

Unless you're Poe, people seem to want hope. I can't blame them.

Sometimes people just want to read something they can 'relate' to.