I just realised that when I throw in my step-dad's face that I'm not his biologically, it's because I'm hurting over the crap I've had to put up with from my real dad. I get it now. My real dad would have abandoned me in favour of my step-mum and step-sister. It's why my step-sister will always be my step-sister. Her behavior in the last few years doesn't make up for the physical and psychological abuse that has probably scarred me for life and caused my dad to choose an easy lie over my well-being.
But my step-dad knows, he's always known, that the stuff I say to him comes out of this bottomless pit of hurt and self-doubt caused by my biological dad's behavior. It's partially because he's there, he's a rock and I know that no matter what I say to him or him to me he's always been there and always will be. He raised me. He knew before he got together with my mum that it meant raising another man's child and he gladly took on that reponsibility. He built my fake little house and my little train set for me the Christmas Eve my mum finally brought him home and he made sure that his family accepted me as one of their own (although my Auntie Marion didn't need much convincing since from the very day we met I've called her my Auntie Marion). He raised me and took care of me and would defend me to hilt and I know that. I think what hurts is that I don't know if my dad would do that for me and I can't confront him about it because I'm so afraid I'd lose him. But I can't sort myself out until I do, so my step-dad tends to bear the brunt of my anger and hurt while my mum tries to pick up the pieces and put me back together.
But I can't be whole until I know why. Why did my dad, the one man on the planet I should be able to trust absolutely, so willingly put me aside in exchange for my step-mum and her daughter? Why was he so willing to cut me out of his life? Yes, if it wasn't for my gran I might never have met my youngest sisters, two of the three most important people in my life (my three baby sisters)? But I can't ask because of this voice in my head telling me that if he could do it once, he could do it again. That's why I've never gone through with any plan for confrontation.
He's barely been there for me. Yeah sure, he got mad when bullies had me running from the school bus because they'd done pretty much everything but beat me up. But when I got sick and spent almost a week in hospital, he implied that I was a hypochondriac. He did the same when I was in almost a week later, but it was totally different when he had a sprained ankle and needed gas and air. He didn't come to visit me when I had my gallbladder out, he didn't even, like my grans and my mum did, make sure it was absolutely necessary. He just picked me up when I got home and said, "At least it's over now." How can I confront that? I love him so damn much but he sends such mixed signal that I'm so confused and scared about what he'd do. And I take it all out on my poor step-dad.
May 30, 2009 @ 21:16:38
he's done this to your life. Lack of acceptance from a father can be awful! I'm in a similar situation. The best thing I can suggest is that you look inward for strength so that you don't feel so helpless. It's not your fault. I hope this helps a little because that's what my friends tell me. My life is half over. I don't want you crippled by him. 
