As it is highly likely that one would prepare this recipe while consuming copious amounts of Duff beer, the entire ingredient list is of soft or blunt nature so as to not endanger the chef or their peer group in attendance. Thanks to Brian Burdett of London, Ontario for this recipe.
Ingredients:
6 crullers or honey-glazed doughnuts
1 pound of sweet chocolate
1 pound of gummy bears
1 dozen extra hot jalapeno peppers
5 pounds of ground beef (not lean)
12 bottles Duff Beer (not for the burgers silly)
0 eggs and bread crumbs (You're gonna drool this down your face, shirt and lap anyway so save the eggs and bread.)
Preparation:
Mix ground beef in a large bowl, or the counter top, whiche ever is closer.
Have a beer.
Form patties in hands, being careful not to spill beer. Each patty should be approximately 2/3 larger than the average mouth opening. Wipe hands liberally on passing house pet.
Have another beer.
Proceed to neighbor's yard and remove his brand new Smokey Joe Grill. (You may need to use stealth mode in this endeavor. Or just ring the front door bell and run to the back yard while he's distracted).
IMPORTANT: It's no good to steal the grill if you don't take the charcoal and lighter fluid too. If the opportunity presents itself, steal his spatula and matches, too.
Once back in your yard, celebrate with another beer.
Force progeny to ignite grill as severe burns may impair your ability to open the next Duff.
Have a beer.
When the coals are hot, put the burgers on the grill surface using your neighbor's spatula. Take no care in the use of his implements as he's wealthier than you and can afford a new one when you're done abusing it. As an optional family activity, you can try a rousing game of Meatfling played by just throwing the burgers at the grill. Use a spin on the burgers to avoid any ricochet action toward the unmown lawn area.
Avoid the temptation to consume the burgers too early as your drooling and body tremors may dictate. Ignore the loud "Aaaaaaaaaaa" sounds all around you as they are emanating from you.
Calm yourself with, yes, another beer.
Burgers are done when your wife can no longer pick them up without inflicting third degree grease burns on her thumb plus first and third fingers. (Remember you don't have to worry about the other fingers because you only have three.)
Slice the cruller or doughnut through the middle.
Wait, you have no sharp implements. What the hell. Place the done burger meat on one of the crullers. Top liberally with chocolate and jalapenos. Place another cruller on top and mash down flat with total body weight. Sprinkle with gummy bears for haute cuisine effect.
Enjoy meal by forcing in more than your mouth cavity capacity will hold with each bite.
Drain your beer and open another. Belch with gusto. This will repel who ever is left among your family and leave the balance of the burgers and beer for you. It is quite likely you'll alienate other neighbors, birds, cats, dogs and small fuzzy rodents whose hearing is acute.
Be sure to use a hammock to sit in because when you expire from this great meal, it won't be so far to fall face down after you finish the remainder of the Duff.
Makes - 3 burgers.
Serves - you right
Oct 12, 2008 @ 13:05:03
