These are some of my stinkers. Can you do better... well, I mean worse?
CAUTION: Some are kinda dirty!
Did you hear about the new line of Elvis Presley-themed steakhouses?
They will be for people who love meat tender.
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A high school girl runs up to her father and says "Daddy, daddy! I need fifty dollars!"
The dad says "Forty dollars? What do you need thirty dollars for?"
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First kid: My dad is a doctor.
Second kid: My dad is a lawyer.
First kid: Honest?
Second kid: No, the regular kind.
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What does Snoop Dog use to wash his white clothes?
Bli-otch!
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Why do dogs lick their balls?
Because they can't make a fist.
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You are stuck in a room with no doors, windows, or any way to get out. There is only a table and a mirror. How do you get out?
Look in the mirror. See what you saw? Take the saw and cut the table in half. Two halves make a whole. Go through the hole and you're out.
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What do you get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic?
Halfway.
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A sheriff walks into a saloon and yells for everyone's attention. He says: "Has anyone seen Paper Jake?"
"What's he look like?"
"Well, he wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper jacket, a brown paper shirt, brown paper pants, and brown paper shoes."
"What's he wanted for?"
"Rustlin........."
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1st man: Every time I sneeze I have an orgasm.
2nd man: What are you taking for it?
1st man: Pepper!
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A woman calls the operator in Chicago and asks "What's the time difference between here and Seattle?"
The operator says "Just a minute....."
The woman says "Thank you" and hangs up.
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What's long and yellow and always points north?
A magnetic banana.
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How many electricians does it take to change a lightbulb?
One.
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Why doesn't Lennox Lewis have a PlayStation?
Because he's an X-Boxer.
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What did Batman say to Robin just before they got into the Batmobile?
"Lets get into the Batmobile."
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What's worse than finding a maggot in your apple?
Having electrides attached to your nipples and being flogged with a knotted rope.
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How do you make a fluffy bunny drink?
Put it in a blender. Add vodka and ice.
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How do you make a cat go "woof"?
Douse it with gasoline and throw a match on it. "WOOF!"
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What goes "OOOOOOOOOO"?
A cow with no lips.
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Why couldn't Jesus eat M&M's?
Because they weren't around back then.
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They said I couldn't control my addiction to indecent exposure, but I showed them!
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Knock knock.
Who's there?
Angry cow.
Angry co......
MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
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Knock knock.
Who's there?
Confused cow.
Confused co......
QUACK! QUACKQUACKQUACK! QUAAAAAAAAAK!
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I was feeling a bit depressed the other day, so I called a suicide hotline. I was put through to a "call center" in Pakistan and explained that I was feeling suicidal. They were very excited at this news and wanted to know if I could drive a truck or fly an airplane......
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Badaboom tish!
Thank you, thank you. And remember that the 11 o'clock show is different than this one!