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@rondetto Said

I made a pair of trousers out of spider web silk.
The only problem is, the flies keeping getting stuck.

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Called the vets this morning...
Me: "Hello, I need to make an appointment for my pet Ostrich."
Vet: "Ok what's the problem?"
Me: "He's holding his head to one side."
Vet: "Hmm, maybe neck's weak?"
Me: "Haven't you got an appointment any sooner?"

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I'm a big fan of Tolstoy
Especially the one where Woody is kidnapped and Buzz tries to save him.

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A man goes to his doctor “ Help me doc I’ve got heameroids and it’s killing me” “No problem,take these capsules and put one in your passage twice a day for a week that will do the trick”
He thanks the doctor and leaves .8 days later he’s back. “ it didn’t work doc I’m still suffering “
“Did you put them in your passage like I said? “
“Well no I couldn’t because I have my bike in there , but for what good they did I could have put them up my backside “

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Dolly Parton is no longer speaking to her bra fitter after the two fell out.

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It was that time of year when the fatty with the beard brings a load of crap presents for the kids.
I hate the Mother in law.

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I’ve been hanging out in the gym a lot lately, I really must get some tighter shorts.

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I went to the gym last week and I noticed a hole in my trainer big enough to put my finger in…
Anyway, she made a formal complaint and now I'm banned for life!

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When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I'm homeless.

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