More puns

@rondetto Said

A thief in the butcher shop got charged with chop lifting.
The Judge said he mutton do it again.

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My wife is doing an experiment. She's wearing a Man Utd shirt for a week to get peoples reactions. She's been kicked, punched and spat on so far! Hell knows what's going to happen when she actually leaves the house!

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I Pulled a gypsy bird last night. She asked me did I want to go back to hers for a good time... She wasn't damn kidding. I went on the dodgems, waltzers, ghost train and came home with a goldfish!

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Enter new password' 'chicken'

'Password must contain a capital' 'chickenkiev'

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I had the nastiest, rudest, slowest cashier today.
I guess it's my own fault for using the self service checkout.

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There’s a bovine vomiting virus affecting herds of cattle in the Peak District.
In fact......
The hills are alive with the sound of moo sick.

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When my mate was in the army he ate nothing but tiramisu, trifle and ice cream before going AWOL.
He was a desserter.

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My best mates growing a beard.
I just don't know how to tell her.

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