More Funnies

@rondetto Said

A flying saucer landed at a petrol station on a lonely country road.
The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters "UFO" emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft.
As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralysed with shock, his young attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and waved to the two aliens as they took off.
"Do you realise what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered.
"Yeah," said attendant. "So?"
"Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the attendant. "So?"
"Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the attendant. "So?"
"Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!"
The attendant rolled his eyes. "Good grief, boss! I've been working here for six years. Of course, I know what 'UFO' means ........
'Unleaded Fuel Only.'"

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My mate is an opera singer and it’s his birthday soon.
But, what can you get for a tenor these days?

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Here's a thought, Why don't we replace Border Force
with a GP Receptionist
& then lets see who gets in.

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An old man suddenly arrived in Hell looking confused and lost. The Devil looked at his paperwork, and frowned. He was unable to find this old man’s data file. “This can’t be right,” the old man grumbled, looking at the Devil, “I’ve been a good man my whole life.” The Devil nodded apologetically, most people said this when they arrived at Hell. “Why don’t you start with how you died and we’ll figure it out.” “Well, I was out with minding my grandchildren, enjoying a fun day out, and that’s when everything went crazy!
Out of nowhere, I spotted the largest most grotesque mouse I’ve ever seen moving towards us. It was absolutely enormous! And that’s when it moved. Straight towards the grandchildren first, limbs outstretched. You don’t know where mice have been, what if it had’ve bitten one of them? Can you imagine if they got rabies on my watch? You don’t get how big this mouse was!. I grabbed my walking stick and I cracked it over the head. Now my eye sight isn’t that good anymore, but I whacked it good! “So you killed it?” The Devil asked. The old man nodded.
It was at this point though, that the exertion caught up with me. I felt my heart give way. I must have suffered a heart attack. Next thing I know, I’m here.” “Well,” the Devil said, concerned, “This doesn’t seem to add up. Let me just give Heaven a call and we’ll try and see what’s going on here. Hey Jesus bro,” the Devil said, “I think I’ve got one of yours here. His story checks out. Must have been a mix up.” The Devil nodded as a voice on the phone spoke back to him. He gave the old man a silent thumbs up as the voice continued.
The Devil covered the phone speaker with his hand, turned to the old man and said, “You’re all good, they just want to know where you were when you died.”
“Oh that’s easy, I was at Disneyland.”

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I heard the England team lost to Iceland recently.

I hope they put in a better performance against Tesco and Sainsbury.

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