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Dad Jokes So Bad They're Actually Perfect

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Darkman666 On about 19 hours ago




Saint Louis, Missouri
#1New Post! Apr 22, 2021 @ 20:07:02
Punny Dad Jokes
After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets.
My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder.“That's my stepladder,” he said."I never knew my real ladder.”
What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop.
Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.
I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!
What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.
Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.
In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble.
In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.
My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.
What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable.
If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands.
Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.
This morning, Siri said,“Don’t call me Shirley.” I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.
It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents.
I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.
How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints.
The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this
I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.
I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word.
What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.
I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.
Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.
If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?
Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.
A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor,“You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.”“Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him.“You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”
What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale.
A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned.
What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli.
How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex.

The Best“My Wife” Dad Jokes
I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.
My wife left a note on the fridge that said,“This isn't working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!
My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please.
My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her,"That makes two of us."
My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf
My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March.
When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.
After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it.
Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space.
My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake.
My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return.
“Just look at that couple down the road,” a wife told her husband.“He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?”“Are you insane?” he responded.“I barely know the woman!”
I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out,“I love you.”“Is that you or the beer talking?” she asked. I answered,“It’s me… talking to my beer.”
“Siri,” I asked my phone,“why am I so bad with women?" She responded,“I’m Bixby, you moron.”
My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me."She obviously has COVID," my wife said."Why?" I asked."Because she has no taste."
Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring.
"Your wife and daughter look like twins," my friend said."Well," I replied,"they were separated at birth."
One friend complained to another,“All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.”“If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend.“I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”
I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs.
I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing.
My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.
My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook,“I’m getting a divorce,” she was the first one to like it.

Sick Dad Jokes
My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care.
Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.
I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.
What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor.
I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor b******.
They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.
The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.
Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket?“Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”
If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called.
I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once.
My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic.
In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective.
A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him,“I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.” The patient asks him,“Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?” The doctor calmly looks at him and says,“Nine.”
I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys.
What do you call bears with no ears? B.
What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.
A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree.“You can't cut me down,” the tree complains.“I’m a talking tree!” The man responds,“You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”
I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5.
When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.
What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.
I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.
Partenting Dad Jokes

My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly.
When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.
My daughter just shrieked at me,“Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” What an odd way to begin a conversation.
I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids.
“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun.
What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful.
I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though.
What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either.
My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother.
I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!
A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said,“That’s arson.”
Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.
“What’s your name, son?” The principal asked his student. The kid replied,“D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.”“Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked. The student answered,“No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”
Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him,“When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.”“Oh yeah?” the son retorts.“Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.”
A father tells his son that he was adopted.“I want to meet my biological parents,” the son demands.“We are your biological parents,” the father responds.“Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.”
A son tells his father,“I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says,“You know, you could do better.”“Thanks Dad,” the son says.“That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes,“I was talking to your girlfriend.”
Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said,“Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”
My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we“be positive,” but it’s just so hard without him.
I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me.
I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.
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