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A few jokes...

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shadowen On January 13, 2021




Bunyip Bend, Australia
#1New Post! Jan 07, 2021 @ 16:18:30
A young man's wife has just gone into labor and he's scared to death and doesn't know what to do, so he calls the hospital. After getting a maternity nurse on the phone, he frantically explains the situation.

"OK," replies the nurse, "Try to calm down, there's nothing to be worried about. Is this her first child?"

"No, you idiot," comes the reply, "I'm her husband."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jimmy, a junior signalman for the local railway, has decided to apply for promotion to senior signalman, and has been told to meet the inspector at the signal box to take his exam.

The inspector decides to find out how Jimmy would react under pressure, so asks him, "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?"

Immediately, Jimmy says, "I would switch one train onto the other track, thus averting a disaster."

"Good - but what if the lever broke?" asks the inspector.

"Well, I'd run down to the tracks, activate the manual lever, thus averting a disaster" answers Jimmy.

"What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector.

"In that case," Jimmy continues, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box, thus averting a disaster."

"What if the phone was busy?" comes the next quickfire question.

"Well," Jimmy argues, "I'd have to run to the street level and use the public phone near the station, thus averting a disaster".

"What if the public phone was on fire?"

"Oh, well," says Jimmy, "in that case I'd run into town and get my Uncle Alistair."

Puzzled, the inspector asks, "Why would you do that?"

Jimmy replies "Because he's never seen a train crash..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
An inmate gets transferred to a cell block where the rest of the prisoners are all long-term.

The first night, he hears other prisoners yell out numbers, followed by peals of laughter from the other prisoners.

"What's going on?" he whispers to the bloke in the next cell.

"Oh," came the response, "we all know each other's jokes so we just numbered them. When a bloke wants to tell a joke, he shouts out the number. It drives the guards crazy, 'cause we don't tell 'em the jokes!"

"How can I learn the jokes?"

"I'll tell 'em to you when we get out in the yard for exercise."

After a couple of months, the new prisoner learns all the jokes and gets up enough nerve to shout out a number. "Eleven!" he shouts.

Dead silence from the other prisoners. He confronts the bloke in the next cell. "What's going on? Eleven is a funny joke. Why didn't they laugh?"

"Yeah. It's funny, but some blokes can tell 'em and some can't!"
darkman666 On 51 minutes ago




Saint Louis, Missouri
#2New Post! Jan 07, 2021 @ 17:39:53
@shadowen Said

A young man's wife has just gone into labor and he's scared to death and doesn't know what to do, so he calls the hospital. After getting a maternity nurse on the phone, he frantically explains the situation.

"OK," replies the nurse, "Try to calm down, there's nothing to be worried about. Is this her first child?"

"No, you idiot," comes the reply, "I'm her husband."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jimmy, a junior signalman for the local railway, has decided to apply for promotion to senior signalman, and has been told to meet the inspector at the signal box to take his exam.

The inspector decides to find out how Jimmy would react under pressure, so asks him, "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?"

Immediately, Jimmy says, "I would switch one train onto the other track, thus averting a disaster."

"Good - but what if the lever broke?" asks the inspector.

"Well, I'd run down to the tracks, activate the manual lever, thus averting a disaster" answers Jimmy.

"What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector.

"In that case," Jimmy continues, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box, thus averting a disaster."

"What if the phone was busy?" comes the next quickfire question.

"Well," Jimmy argues, "I'd have to run to the street level and use the public phone near the station, thus averting a disaster".

"What if the public phone was on fire?"

"Oh, well," says Jimmy, "in that case I'd run into town and get my Uncle Alistair."

Puzzled, the inspector asks, "Why would you do that?"

Jimmy replies "Because he's never seen a train crash..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
An inmate gets transferred to a cell block where the rest of the prisoners are all long-term.

The first night, he hears other prisoners yell out numbers, followed by peals of laughter from the other prisoners.

"What's going on?" he whispers to the bloke in the next cell.

"Oh," came the response, "we all know each other's jokes so we just numbered them. When a bloke wants to tell a joke, he shouts out the number. It drives the guards crazy, 'cause we don't tell 'em the jokes!"

"How can I learn the jokes?"

"I'll tell 'em to you when we get out in the yard for exercise."

After a couple of months, the new prisoner learns all the jokes and gets up enough nerve to shout out a number. "Eleven!" he shouts.

Dead silence from the other prisoners. He confronts the bloke in the next cell. "What's going on? Eleven is a funny joke. Why didn't they laugh?"

"Yeah. It's funny, but some blokes can tell 'em and some can't!"


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