Best Lines

BEST BUMPER STICKERS:
--Forget about world peace, use your turn signal.
--Consciousness is that annoying time between naps.
--You're unique, just like everyone else.

BEST SIGNS:
--There are three kinds of people, those who can count, and those
who can't?
--i souport publik edekasion.
--Out of my mind--back in five minutes.
--Don't even think about crossing this field unless you can run it
in nine seconds. The bull does it in nine and a half seconds?

BEST HEADLINES:
--Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says.
--Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66.
--Iraqi Head seeks Arms.
--Panda Meeting Fails: Veterinariam Takes Over.
--Man Steals Clock, Faces Time.
--Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim.
--Man Struck by Lightning, Faces Battery Charges.
--Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years.
--Typhoon Rips Through Cemetary, Hundreds Dead.
--Hospitals are Sued by Seven Foot Doctors.
--Kids Make Nutritious Snacks.
--Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training.

BEST DRUNK DRIVER STATEMENTS AT ACCIDENTS:
--I'm not drunk and I didn't see the house.
--We were only trying to take a shortcut by jumping the stream.
--What tree?
--Oooops.
--After hitting a telephone pole: "It was his fault."
--After hitting two cement posts, a bridge abutment, a dirt mound
and a sizeable oak tree, the driver said: "Can't I just back out?"

BEST COUNTRY SONG:
-My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend and I'm Going to Miss Him Dearly

BEST PICKUP LINES:
--Wink, I'll do the rest.
--May I buy you a drink so I look better?

BEST BODY IMAGE LINES:
--I'm losing my hair on top of my head and growing it in my nose
and ears.
--My only hope is that the hair in my right ear will grow long enough
so I can comb it up over my head and fake everyone out.

THE BEST SPORT IS: BOWLING:
You take a big heavy ball, cram two fingers and a thumb in it,
take four Fred Flinstone twinklep-steps, roll the ball, sit down,
eat a hot dog, have something to drink, and for this you need special shoes? And because they think we're going to steal the shoes, they make us leave a cash deposit. Now I don't know about you, but I don't own a green and purple shirt that's going to match those goofy shoes, and I definitely don't want to be seen walking
around town with an 11 1/2 on the back of my foot!


"Puppies for Sale"
by Dan Clark

I'm loving that, thanks

Best pick-up lines:
"Didn't we go to different schools together?"
"Your face or mine?"
"If I told you, you have a nice body, would you hold it against me?"
"I must be insane, because I'm just crazy about you!"

Worst lines:
"Are 'those' real?"
"Is that your true hair color?"
"When's your baby due?"

J.R.

On the web today:
"Family ends search for missing CEO after a body is found"
I mean really? They're just going to quit looking?

best line:

a guy look at some dog poo on his shoes, and then ask a woman next to him this:

hope this one isn't your relative that left his or her call card under my shoe, would you go out to dinner with me?