Success through bonding

There are various ways people can bond in societies all around the world. Some are more basic, others more complex. All of them have their ups and downs, some bigger some smaller, but there are limits that can´t be crossed, for personal or professional reasons and no limitations, depending on how you look at life.

I would like everyone here to know something about me: I want to get a job first and then marry because I want to, not as a means of integrating into society. I know that is done in certain social circles, for a variety of reasons, but I can´t follow suite. For me, I want to earn a living and settle down with someone I like. I don´t mind what she does. I have always had an open mind, even if sometimes I didn´t take as strong an interest in girls as I should have. She can be anything she wants to be, I´ve met many kinds of people from many walks of life and I respect them all.

The only thing I won´t do is marry someone to get ahead, share the rent, or to satisfy my lower body parts only. Those things are important, but not as means to an end. Our best minds, builders and inventors achieved what they achieved because of the deep waters they dived to. They had fun along the way, but they also looked ahead to something that everyone could benefit from and they themselves could be remembered for.

Again, I have nothing against people who believe in success through breeding and marriage. These mentalities work for them and for the most part they don´t cause any damage, so ethically, there is nothing wrong with them. All I am saying is that I can´t follow those ideals because of my particular life experiences. They have made me what I am and for me, society is something I want to be entitled to through my efforts and then, earn family as a reward. I view this as my guiding light and I think if I follow it, I can, and will do well for myself and for others.

I am moving because if I had to stay where I live, I would have to convert to the lifestyle of success through money, breeding, or be part of a ghetto, and I don´t have the right experience with any of these three lifestyles. As a matter of principle, I would have to choose one or the other and if I had the right mental tools and camaradarie, I would, but it just so happens that I don´t. Out of respect, I am leaving. I sometimes regret not being able to integrate into one of those two circles, but it´s too late for me. My mind´s already been shaped by what I have been through in my life.

In any society, certain ways of life don´t appeal to some people, because they would feel uncomfortable living them, so they abstain. I understand that. It´s only fair that we avoid being with the kinds of people that we can´t get along with because we don´t know how, or have not had the best experiences with them.

I think the majority of people in the western world agree that marrying for personal gain only or just to share the rent is a horrible idea. It was once common practice among a lot of societies and today arranged marriages are still a part of some culture, but honestly you're not really breaking any new ground with any of this.

It's admirable that you're willing to uproot and move for the sake of what you feel is right though.

Where you heading to matey?

Most people marry for some sort of personal gain... be it companionship, security or any of a 100 reasons.
But marrying for status, to pay the rent or purely for sexual reasons shouldn't be the main reason.... or in the top 10.

Attraction comes first - I like what I see
Compatability is next - I like what I hear
Climbing the relationship ladder we come to:
Recognizing their 'faults'

This is generally where relationships fall apart.
Some people go the "I can fix/change them" path while others will consider the faults as deal breakers.

A successful relationship comes about when each is prepared to accept the other "as they are - warts and all"

Insightful commentary. I really appreciate reading it. Yes, liking what we see and what we hear come first and then recongnising the faults is key to finding out whether or not he or she is the other half.

At the moment, unless I've stated elsewhere, I'm headed to a part of Spain where no dialects or regional languages are spoken. That's all I'd like to say for the time being, because you never know who's reading what is written. When I get to my intended destination, I'll reveal my location, unless, I've done it already and I hope my plans don't get foiled.

I'll keep you up to date though.

Thanks buddy.
I've got no idea where no dialects or regional languages are spoken in Spain.... or anywhere in the world for that matter. lol

So I guess your destination is anyone's guess.

Wishing you a safe journey.

marriage, at least in the USA, is a financial contract.

if anyone doesn’t believe me, check out “your” tax filing, insurance, healthcare, credit score and probably your mortgage.

if “you” still don’t believe me, try divorce.

people can talk the “holiness” of religion all they want, but even getting married in a church is going to cost “you” money and requires contractual signatures from the parties involved.

Tru dat. And I happen to live in a community property state, so it is even more of a financial tie than in other states.

Which can be good or bad, its been helpful when my husband was in the hospital and I had to deal with some bills and such that didn't have my name as the primary. Bad that we can't actually file taxes separately. Well we can, but we have to first combine income and split them equally which defeats the tax benefits of filing married but separate.

Love, date, be with who you want, but marriage is very much about making financial and legal bonds to a person.

I suppose everyone has to find their own motivations for why they want to make the bonds, and its probably best to move on and keep searching than to settle for something that either won't work or doesn't make them happy.

To be honest, I haven't achieved any success through bonding because of a very painful, emotional experience I had a decade ago.

My mother was working as a child minder in London, before we moved to Spain. She took care of a young girl and her baby brother, and when their parents came home, the girl would refer to my mother without mentioning her name every time. Her parents wouldn't use it either, and one day, when she and I were having a discussion, she started crying and told me that they never remembered her name. She was very upset, so upset that she was crying for one of the few times I have seen her for as long as I've lived with her.

This really deveastated me and made me so distraught, that, for the past ten years, I have been turning down girls that bore any resemblance to the kind of people who treated my mother so badly, to the point they raised their own children to do likewise. The people in question were medical professionals, well-off and ambitious.

I have abstained from relationships because of this social tragedy in my life, rendering society a difficult obstacle to overcome and more than once, I denied myself girls who may very well have bonded well with me.

1, an Argentinian stuardess who was studying Theatre at the University of Barcelona, a girl with good manners. Looking back, she could at least have been a friend of mine. She stopped me on the way out from the sports centre I practiced Karate at, gently taking me by my arm and asking me why I had suddenly not wanted to attend the class the previous day and why I was walking away from another one - the hallmark of a civilized person.

2, a Hondoranian language student, a very lively, at times fiesty, but intelligent and open minded person once you got to know her. A student of latin and an aspiring university student, she and I got along well and she even called me and we spoke on the phone, I missed her phone call the next day when I asked her if she would come with me to a local festival, subconciously driven by the fear of her.

These two girls might have been big parts of my life, but they weren't because I felt threatened by their sophistication. It reminded me of the people who had hurt my mother and I didn't want to go through what she did, so I let them go.

I wouldn't have now. My pain is gone, but it took a long time for me to realise that society breeds all kinds of people, some good, some bad, but the worst kind can come from anywhere. I now see the error of my way and should I meet any girls in the future, I will let them get closer to me. I'll still be on guard, but never to the point where I prejudged them according to what had happened to my mother. That was a mistake, but I think it's not too late to correct it.

Can anyone here tell a story that resembles mine?

Interesting as I left my home country quite a few years ago to be with a woman who I wed. All I brought with me was about ten medium sized boxes, otherwise left all my friends & family. That lasted about 10yrs, I am now single and thousands of miles away from home! The only reason I am still here now is I have a house & cars which I own outright but I am essentially alone. I would suggest thinking very strongly about leaving your own country, I am kind of seen as an oddity here & that can get old. I went to Spain years ago & its not a bad place by any means (except for the bull fighting), if I had my time again I would not have left.

A very moving account, Komentenmelodie. It must have been hard for you to break up with your partner and to find your way afterwards. I admire your bravery and your will to persevere in the face of adversity.

Truth be told, I shouldn´t have left England the way I did. I barely spoke any Spanish, I was still hurting from a bad experience I´d had and I happened to move into the kratocracy that I´m afraid Gerona tends to be. I should have looked before I´d leapt.

However, by moving to Alcala de Henares, I am going to make up for my mistake. That part of Spain isn´t as rich as Gerona, but it feels more real to me. I was only there two days, but I stayed long enough to want to live there.

So, as soon as I sell my flat, I am leaving Gerona and never looking back.

Thanks, it was not easy as she was the reason I moved away in the first place & there I was alone in a strange country. I knew I had to start over so I moved well away from where I used to live which posed a few problems but several years later I guess many would say I am doing ok, it probably looks that way at the very least. When I am sked if I miss my home my typical answer is "yes" I think the older I get the more I want familiar things around me & although I have lived "overseas" for some time I rarely feel I want to be here. This is especially bad at Christmas, this is not helped by bereavements just before that time. I keep Amazon pretty busy supplying foods from my country. In your case go where makes you happy!!

I'd like to add something very important to my statement. It goes like this:

I can't stay where I am because I am only one sibling, living with his mother, when there are on average, people who have three to five, living at home, on their own, or married. The fact that I am, for all intents and purposes, an only child, makes it impossible for me to integrate in my current community.

For those of you who don't understand what I'm saying, I'm honestly telling you that I don't know how to integrate into a society whose members prize getting jobs to form networks that help themselves and their families. They do their best to get married to someone with means and in high positions to deepen their connections, too. If kids come along, all the better - there's more home bread soldiers for the cause.

I've seen this more often than not for the past decade. It's not illegal, but I don't know said ways of life and I don't want to get to know them. I am both too old and too attached to my values.

All my life, I've gotten what I have and where I have by going through people I was never related to. My mother has gone out of her way to help me and she has partially made me who I am today. The rest came not from kin, but from the schools I attended, university and the government.

So, with a heavy heart, I must leave for more multicolored pastures, so to speak. I respect family, but for no reason whatsoever am I ever going to take a job to serve my interests first and get my mother what she needs. I've never rolled like that and I don't intend to start now.