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What do you guys think of my Simpsons fanfic?

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floydgirrl On October 08, 2022
Stalkee





Pope's Wine Celler, Holy See (
#47New Post! Dec 20, 2016 @ 13:25:58
@chaski Said

I am a bit of an Aussiogynist!

(I just invented that word... )

...oh and BobF doesn't not get to see under the blue dress

...no one does...except DT and Floydie...



I was about to go bats*** crazy feminist on you if you let Bob see under that dress
floydgirrl On October 08, 2022
Stalkee





Pope's Wine Celler, Holy See (
#48New Post! Dec 20, 2016 @ 13:26:47
@adrinachrome Said

Brilliant, aint it?


It's amazing!
chaski On about 9 hours ago
Stalker





Tree at Floydgirrl's Window,
#49New Post! Dec 20, 2016 @ 16:58:13
@nooneinparticular Said


It's the feel of the character in their dialogue and choices that rings hollow.


NNewt this

@NNewt84 Said


Well, one could argue that she was just really that angry.



And here is an example of you acting like Lisa is a real person.

Either that or its just a lame attempt to justify your modification of the Lisa character to suit your own agenda.
nooneinparticular On March 16, 2023




, Hawaii
#50New Post! Dec 21, 2016 @ 03:02:36
@NNewt84 Said

Well, you do make plenty of decent points here, but there are just a few things I'd like to point out here.



The reason I wrote it like this was because I thought it would get tiring if it just said "said Lisa" and "said Bart" over and over and over. Yes, I know some prescriptivists suggest using words like "laughed" and "scoffed" in place of "said", but how do you "laugh" a sentence, exactly?


There are many ways in which to make the word 'said' not be boring and stand out to the reader. If you just end every dialogue with 'said' and then jump to another dialogue that ends with 'said', it will become incredibly obvious to the reader, and not all that interesting to read through. Use a sentence or two to highlight an action, or a mood, or something other than the dialogue. It's okay to say 'said', it's not a scary word, but at the same time it shouldn't be relied on as a crutch. Heres something that may help.

Quote:

It's been a while since I wrote a story in the traditional storybook format, and I'm much more used to the screenplay format after having started a couple of them, so I think that may've played a huge role in shaping this story as it is.

I will argue, however, that this format is justified when Lisa is chatting on Omegle, since that's just how chatrooms function.


If you can't shoot for consistency in writing style, then maybe rethink what you make your characters do to begin with. You, as the author, should not be choosing things at random. There needs to be a purpose. What is the purpose of having someone use a chat client like Omegle to discuss social issues with random people? Why choose this option over something like a forum, or a video, as a discussion ground. If it serves no purpose, and it breaks up your writing style, then I have to question why you would make them do it in the first place.

Quote:

Well, that's just in case anyone who doesn't watch the show happens to stumble upon my story or is linked to it. For example, when I was writing this story, I told my hairdresser about it, and that got her interested in reading it - even though she hasn't watched much of The Simpsons. Granted, she hasn't even read my story yet, but I'm planning to send the link to her at some point.

I wanted to specify a time shortly before the release of the Ghostbusters reboot, in order for the plot to make sense.


You need general information if you're thinking about new audiences. General does not mean superfluous. It adds nothing to the story to know that Springfield is in "God knows where" and that the story starts on the 4th of June in 2016. All you need is a bit of upfront information about Springfield like 'a sleepy town named Springfield' or 'a town named Springfield'. Marking a location does not help and is not useful, especially if you're just going to say that nobody knows where it is anyway. All you need is for Lisa to come across an advertisement or a poster, you don't need to pick an arbitrary date before Ghostbusters to give that impression. Dating your work is usually not a good thing.

Quote:

Well, one could argue that she was just really that angry. After all, this wouldn't be the first time a character acted out of character to indicate that something was seriously wrong.


Yes, but we're talking about the vocabulary of a child. A child who avoids small words and imprecise vocabulary. These two points alone should be sufficient explanation as to why that line doesn't work and rings hollow. Hell, even in your own story you tried to set that up with Lisa trying to explain Autism. This is not the type of person who would use 'f***ing retard' as a reactionary insult. I'd much sooner buy 'troglodyte' or 'neanderthal' from Lisa than 'f***ing retard'. Even if you're going for the 'shock factor', you don't want to shock the reader so hard that it punches them out of suspension of disbelief. There are limits that need to be observed so that you don't jar the reader so heavily that it throws them out of the story.

Quote:

Yeah, I'll admit, they do seem to be overly forgiving of each other. I think the main reason for that is because I wanted to work in the classic "why you little" routine somehow, so it would still feel like the typical Bart and Homer dynamic. But unfortunately, it doesn't really mesh with the rest of the scene, and even as I was writing, I wasn't quite sure how to segue to Bart and Homer hearing about Ghostbusters, so I just jotted down whatever came to mind.


A reference in itself does not indicate anything. As a writer, no one should be shoehorning references into their stories at weird moments just to try and imitate a scene in a vacuum. It comes off as clunky and jarring to a reader. The thing about fan fiction is that, your reader is, more likely than not, at least somewhat familiar with those characters. If you write them counter to their expectations, and you have no justification as to why, then it jars the reader, heavily. They cease to be the characters they love, or even an interesting take on those characters. They become vaguely similar sock puppets yelling a message that they may or may not even care about to begin with.

For instance, it would be next to impossible to write d*** Greyson's Robin in such a way where he would be okay with directly killing someone. That is counter to one of his core traits. Throwing in snarky quips like the ones he would say to Batman would not change that.

Quote:

Normally, I would prioritise story and characters over everything, but in this case, I really wanted to get this issue off my chest, and I felt that writing a story about it was the best way to do it. Unfortunately, that kinda backfired, for reasons you took the time to write about.

However, I'm planning to make a commentary video on the people defending the film, and I feel that's where this kind of stuff belongs - in a format specifically designed for arguing and debate. So don't worry - I'll probably have it done some time around 2018, and it'll be on my YouTube channel, ARC the Clarinet Master, by the time it's done.


Yeah, that definitely showed.

Quote:

The title is a shoutout to the episode "Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy", which has a similar premise, in that Lisa takes on a feminist issue by speaking out against the sexist talking Malibu Stacy doll, which spews misogynistic trite like "Don't ask me, I'm just a girl," and "you can call me [WOLF WHISTLE]". I'm sorry if it gave off that overly preachy vibe.


You want to know the secret to that episode? It broke up it's serious moments with gags and subplots. It didn't feel incredibly heavy-handed because the message was interspersed between jokes and a subplot about Homer's dad getting a job. It wasn't hitting you over the head with what it was trying to say for the whole thing.

Quote:

Long story short, I was losing interest in writing the story, so I just decided to cut it there, and maybe continue at some point in the future if I ever feel like it. However, I'm considering doing a plot thread where Lisa tries to summon girls from around Springfield to join some feminist group she founded to try and stop the injustice in Hollywood, with not much success, so she tries to come up with some ingenious plan to stop it. And there'll also be a subplot where Bart and Homer also try to stop the film getting released, but for different reasons than Lisa, and they discover a horrible, horrible secret about the filmmakers' ulterior motives, which I won't ruin for you here.

So, yeah, that's pretty much all I have to say for now. If you have any further rebuttals, feel free to drop 'em by, and I'll have a read of them!


I'll just say this. It doesn't matter what your ending is if they can't be bothered to reach it in the first place. If the reader doesn't CARE about the characters you've made than why should they care about anything they do or experience. Giving off an air like you don't care about the story your making is not a good way to sell your story. If you don't care, then why should the reader?
NNewt84 On July 19, 2018




Adelaide, Australia
#51New Post! Dec 21, 2016 @ 08:23:12
@chaski Said

And here is an example of you acting like Lisa is a real person.


You realise that when I said she got "really" angry, I mean she got extremely angry, not that she got angry in real life, right?
Eaglebauer On July 23, 2019
Moderator
Deleted



Saint Louis, Missouri
#52New Post! Dec 21, 2016 @ 14:14:43
@NNewt84 Said

You realise that when I said she got "really" angry, I mean she got extremely angry, not that she got angry in real life, right?



You didn't say she was really angry. You said she was "just really that angry."

Word syntax suggests you meant she was that angry in reality.

If you replace "really" with "extremely" in what you actually wrote it would look like this:

"she was just extremely that angry"

...which syntactically and grammatically isn't how people talk.

I'm not saying you meant it that way, but it's very easy to see why it was taken that way.
mrmhead On May 02, 2023




NE, Ohio
#53New Post! Dec 22, 2016 @ 13:09:15
@chaski Said

However, what you are doing is manipulating someone else's fictional characters to suit your personal agenda, and then talking about them as if they are real people...


That reminds me... I have to finish my piece about Darth Vader running an animal shelter where he is the head Veterinarian directing a PSA promoting spaying and neutering.

I hope he doesn't get mad.

Passion_Spent On January 08, 2017




Dayton, Ohio
#54New Post! Jan 08, 2017 @ 04:33:51
I smell trouble in that script, but your piggy looks just as good. As for how people got into twerking it around town it is king of long, but I get it. Webspace, the wave of the future.
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