It's the way I tell em.

@rondetto Said

I've cut down on my drinking. I now have one large dram before bed.
Last night l went to bed 6 times.

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I got the job of senior director at old MacDonald's farm
I'm now the CiEiO.

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Me: “Who is the most handsome man in the world?”
Wife: “Ewan McGregor”
Me: “Thank you but you can just pick one”

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I was talking to a nurse the other day, she said the problem with the world today is Holby City.
On second thoughts she might have said obesity.

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Paddy & Murphy are doing the crossword puzzle.
Paddy asks: "How do you spell paint?"
Murphy replies: "It depends, what colour?"

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My mate said he toured round the north of France this summer and raised money by doing Star Trek impressions.
I said, "Dunkirk?".
He said, "Yeah, I did them all."

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My wife had just gone into labour.
NURSE: "Have you considered Epidural Anaesthesia?"
ME: "It's OK, we've already chosen a name."

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This chef on TV just said, "Where there's fat, there's flavour."
I know he means food, but I still took it as a compliment.

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We have to thank that clever man for inventing electricity,
otherwise we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

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Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of getting a Labrador."
"Sod that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind."

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I got a rash from using a can of adhesive.
I guess I must be glue tin intolerant.

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A shop assistant tried stopping an armed robber by attacking him with a labelling gun. Police are now looking for a man with a price on his head..

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My American friend asked me if I had ever been abroad?
I said: "No, I've always been a fella!"

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