The people of East London have been successful in their bid to host the
2012 Olympics. However there has been a request that some on the events
and traditions are modified in order to give the locals a greater chance
of winning medals:
100-METRE SPRINT: - Athletes must complete the course in Barking High
Street with a dvd player under one arm and a microwave under the other.
After 20 metres a Police dog will be released in each lane.
BOXING: - This will be restricted to husband and wife teams and the
final will take place in the local community centre on a Saturday night.
The husband must down at least 12 pints in the Kings Arms before
encountering his wife, where she will announce one of the following
(a) there's f**k all for your tea,
(b) our Tracey is up the duff,
(c) I'm up the duff,
(d) Pauline at number 12 is up the duff and she is saying its yours!.
TUG OF WAR: - Chains will be fixed to one of the cash points at the BP
garage in Lower Dagenham and the winning team will be the ones who can
haul it out the quickest.
EQUESTRIAN EVENTS: - Horses, ponies, donkeys and assorted nags can be
collected from the fields behind Upton Park and medals will be awarded
for tethering them in the most unusual places.
WALKING: - Athletes must be accompanied by a Pitbull Terrier, Doberman,
German Shepherd or Whippet. Ferrets and Pushchairs do not count.
THE FLAME: - The Olympic flame will also be slightly different. The
ceremony will go ahead in time-honoured tradition by torching a Ford