 ZeroKelvin
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Houston, Texas
Joined: Jan 2014 |
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I know most of you don't know me very well or what I go through on a daily basis, but I have a relatively normal family life, my parents are pretty awesome and I'm not a spoiled brat or anything. Well, I'm sure none of you know this, but I'm a self-harmer and I have been doing it since I was really young. The doctors told my parents about my wacked-out brain chemistry and they put me on pills when I was really young. I suffer from depression and a pretty s***ty self-image, so I told my mom today that I feel incredibly scared and unstable and that I've been cutting again. She came with me to therapy today and they said that if I cut myself again, they'd put me in the psych ward. I feel like such a f*** up as a son and I told them how sorry I was, how I never meant to bring such drama and worry into the family. It affects EVERYONE in my family, not just my pathetic self. I cried SO much. I'm going through a hell of a break up right now anyway, so naturally I'm really low and sad. I always think about hurting myself physically to temporarily distract myself from mental pain. It works for about 0.5 seconds, so I'm not really sure why I do it. I'm sorry that you guys probably think I'm crazy now. So. Yeah. That's my day.
Current Music: "Angry Chair" by Alice in Chains
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| So I keep crying about my situation, JESUS. It's so annoying. I wish there were magic pills you could take to get rid of an ex, or to get rid of all the pain and misery that breakups cause. Whatever. I'm being weird. | |
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When I was with you, I didn’t have any goals. My goal was to be with you, forever and ever, taking care of you, making sure you didn’t hurt yourself. Making sure you were happy. But what about my happiness? I gave it all to you. And you took it all like a glutton and s*** it out, so that when I left after seeing you, you’d be sad again. I hope you realized what you lost was huge. I am a good person. I loved you so much. And because all you cared for was your own happiness, I’m gone. I need my happiness back.
Where are you gonna get it now?
I finally accepted that I can’t control whether or not you hurt yourself. Of course I’d feel bad, but I wouldn’t lose sleep over it. Because your life is up to you now. 
Current Music: "Lonely is the Night" by Billy Squier
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I just want to apologize for venting so much about my girlfriend, I seriously am messed up over it, and I really loved her when I was with her. I want to apologize in advance for the number of vent posts I'm going to have. I'm not going to name names. But I do need to get the "poison" out and vent. Thanks for not screaming at me.
Current Music: "1979" by Smashing Pumpkins
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Adding to this, I'm thanking God that I have normalcy in my life, which is something that she doesn't have, and probably never will. I'm extremely angry with her right now, mainly hurt by the realization that she sucked the effing life out of me with all her problems. It's time to focus on me now, because I know that I'm going to go to college and have a future. I'm going to make something of myself. As for my ex, I'm no longer in control of her actions, and I never even have been. I've finally realized that I can't fix her. Now that she's gone, I'm going to make a new me, the me that's going to try harder in school, care more about my friends than that quack of a girlfriend, and go to college. I'm going to major in criminal psychology and get my doctorate after a lot of hard a** work. I can do this. No one can stop me now.
Current Music: "Take it Back" by Pink Floyd
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I know it sounds really gay that I'm posting about this, but there's something different about me than most other guys my age, and it's that I actually think with my big head, not my little one. So anyway.
Today I'm feeling a little better because I'm about to start working on myself again. Working out again, going out more. When I was with my girlfriend, I wasn't doing anything. She wouldn't even let me meet her friends because she was so scared that they would "steal me away from her". This pissed me off, because I've only ever been faithful with her. I cheated once in my entire life, and it was when I was sixteen and mentally retarded. I was talking to my therapist about her, and our convo went like this:
Therapist: She has Borderline Personality Disorder.
Ben: She does...?
Therapist: It's screaming.
After I heard her say that, my heart sunk and I wanted to set everything on fire. I thanked her for telling me (she wasn't actually diagnosing her, but based on my ex's traits, came to that conclusion). It was then that I officially fell out of love with my girlfriend. I'm not stupid. I know that people with BPD will most likely never find real, genuine happiness in their lives. They'll spend their lives fearing aloneness. They'll constantly crave attention and be starving for physical affection and compassion. This wrecked me, hearing that. But I know that it was time to move on. So I did.
Current Music: "Satisfaction Guaranteed" by The Firm
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I have all kinds of nerves right now, and it's because tomorrow I am breaking up with my girlfriend.
I have known this girl since the eighth grade. She's always been troubled. But I fell for her, and hard. First love. First everything.
I've been hurting myself, freaking out, and now all of it's going to be over. Her problems will no longer be mine, and I will live a life that isn't constantly tainted by sadness and depression. I'm going to make a new person out of myself because the person I want to be isn't consumed by darkness. | |
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And at least it's just one day away from being Friday.
Even though I get straight A's, I think I hate school more than anyone I know. I hate the kids, I (for the most part) hate the teachers, and I definitely just hate the way high schools operate. I am so ready to just finish this s*** and graduate already. :/ That day just can't come soon enough for me. I wonder if any one of my friends is sober enough to think the same.  WOT EVAAAA. Hope everyone has a great day.
Current Music: "Horizons" by Parkway Drive
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Things have been quite rocky lately as a result of depression struggles, and my newfound four year old [sinus infection].
1. I am taking about twelve pills every day total for what I am suffering from. (A combination of my usual antidepressants and my four antibiotics)
2. I have self-destructive thoughts.
3. I made a chocolate banana smoothie earlier today and I have no regrets.
4. I have a research paper that's due in February! 
5. I am not getting rid of my cats. Period. Even though I am allergic to them.
Current Music: "Kings and Queens" by 30 Seconds to Mars
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Today, I'm off to get my flu shot, and then tomorrow I'm back to school for the second and last semester of my senior year. This break was much-needed. Why can't they just give us a few more months?  | |
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