I understand that you let good in with bad, thats always been a real a** issue that I've grasped a long time ago as a child, I think dealing with disappointment from my father as well as my mother. You know, the basic messed up family s**t that happens in everybody's lives that you either learn from or fall a willing victim to.
But at the same time, why do we (especially as women and a few emotionally timid men) put up with more bad than good? In relationships as far as family and romantic, even friendships?
I was in a year long relationship, and I fell in love...I always loved this guy and I still talk about this situation because I still deal with him, and you never really "undo" love once it's done..but long story short, I waited...the majority of that year was waiting. Physically waiting for his return to the states, physically waiting for him to return "home" because this was a long distance thing...and physically waiting for him to own up to his part of the relationship. I never asked for anything, like cars or jewelry...a home, nothing that a lot of men would precieve women want or look for in men. I only asked that he "be there" when I needed him most, emotionally basically. He was more than willing to there for the physical contact, the sex was awesome...but when I was breaking down or had great news, or just needed that little "hi, how ya doing" in between...he wasn't really there.
I was able to catch him on some occassions when he was fully there for me, but he was always dealing with his own emotional bull, and I was always "available"...never would miss a beat or a phone call...and I always felt s**tty the two times I did and couldn't reach him after trying extensively. I made myself a willing victim to be set up for A. what he thought I wanted to hear B. Breaking those promises and C. Being told that everything said before wasn't really true anymore.
I'm saying this all because I need to vent...he's in town and although we've been seperated, we were still friends, meaning I was still doing the basic stuff I did in our relationship, listening to him when he wanted to talk about real stuff or blow smoke out of his ass...I mean who was there for him the instant he found out about his grandmother's death? ME ( written in a hugeo neon glittering letters!) And I know that he's not making an effort to keep his promise of seeing me, to spend a little time with me. He'll go beyond for someone else (whose not even that close, or who he hasn't been calling or answering calls from) but he's been acting as if he's backed into a corner with these people and family, and putting me off...blowing me off. He said he'll "try" for tomorrow, Saturday...I work a full day pretty much, and where was he on my day off? Doing nothing and got trashed after he saw a movie. He didn't answer my phone call and then finally called me back at 1 in the a.m.
I feel crazy and I know I'm not stalking him, I just feel shut out and lied to...brushed off like I mean nothing. I know it could be awkward after the break up, but it's not like we didn't talk or it was on bad terms...it was a break up for a "vacation" of responsibilites, to slow down in his emotional rollercoaster stage at the time. He said we were friends, and would always be, based on our history and from what I thought was our maturity and understanding of the situation.
I've recently felt abandon by really good friends that I thought were best, and I've been there for all their drama from day 1...but I haven't gotten that in return until I realized that I have to yell and vent about stuff...because it's just built up into a ridiculous heap I can't seem to unclutter. If anyone took this time to read this, as much time as it took me to write this, then WAY major kudos to you and you don't know how much I thank you for wasting that time I can't give back. All I can say is, look out for number 1...you can't go through life being selfish, no (because thats what flamed this blog) but you do have to know and for some Learn to start speaking up in conversation, in relationships for yourself...because no one else is going to do it. I was spoiled in a way by my grandmother and my very first best friend, because they had my interest at heart...it was a balanced give and take, general reciprocity and I got used to someone picking up on my minor lows and highs and just knowing about what was happening in my life (school, other friends, family, work...etc). Its rare I've realized that this happens.
I love my room mate/ best friend through and through...she's learned a lot about me and does the basic reciprocity...it's still a lot of her, but she apologizes and comes around for me. I couldn't be more greatful for that, but I still have those major lows when I feel dumped and awkward, in the way here. I've calmed down, like I said I needed to vent, and who can I be most honest to? Myself, why I'm typing...and to anyone who doesn't "know" but a little or those who'll actually catch this on a whim.
I owe more than a thanks in this situation after getting a little of the problem out.
Current Music: Janes Addiction~ "Jane Says"