 sheepy
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Ogler
20740 points
40/M/Back for now, United Kingdom
Join Date: Dec 2005 |
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Well, about 15 mins ago, I finished cleaning out the goldfish. It's a fortnightly routine, one involving planning - I fill the bucket the night before so the water is just right for the fish to go back into 
What I do though is, I finish cleaning, then I strip off, and give the kitchen sink a good clean using bleach. Why do I do this without clothes? Just because when I did it once before a year ago - I accidentally splashed bleach on myself, and ruined some nice pants 
Anyway, I've just this minute come back from a mad dash to have a shower - you guessed it, I had been bleach-splashed, and hadn't even noticed until I started itching "here and there" 
Just thought I'd share that  | |
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So ok, I admit - in driving a Fiat, I'm driving a pile of crud - that much is certain 
What I didn't expect though, was the result of my getting a flat. I thought I could simply get the damaged tire repaired, and use the spare new one as the main tire till I changed the car (Want to do this in August). Wrong!
Changed it, and for some insane reason, the spare tire is a special one, to be used simply to get you to the nearest garage to buy an expensive new one  Bummer! Well I still repaired it but I don't trust repairs for long term use - and an expensive shopping trip will be coming up.
Then, after parking it in the college car park, some f**kwit decides to "key" the side 
Well vandals, being a Fiat, the paintwork is substandard anyway. I spent 10 minutes rubbing down the scratch with T-cut, re-waxing it, and now you can't even see the scratch.
Your mean little trick failed you jealous pathetic lowlifes - and you know something else? That carpark has cctv, and I know the guy on reception at college, and could get hold of the footage and view exactly who you were - but I don't intend to. Why? Because you are just sad little people, and you just aren't worth it. 
OK, rant over  | |
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I'm off to London tomorrow on a business visit - well, by business visit, it's a drinking session with the big bosses really on a disco barge, but same difference.
Still, means I get an evening away, staying in this hotel (I've been warned strongly by the manager not to pinch the towels!). I'll be taking some college homework to do on the train down and back, arrrgh, no getting away from it
So this time tomorrow, I might be totally sozzled and telling someone way too senior that he is a pillock, or I might have been thrown in the river - watch this space | |
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In our village hall, there is a poster for the local "Slimming World" who meet there. The poster contains the meeting details, and at the top is a photograph of a plate of - well, basically rabbit food 
Now - I had a thought, whilst they aren't looking, dare I glue over this picture, a picture of my own - of a massive slab of chocolate fudge cake with cream and ice cream dribbling over the edge
For added effect, I could write on the bottom "Meeting rescheduled - next week we'll meet at Pizza Hut".
Dare I | |
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Well, had a massive clear out yesterday - this box room I use as an office was getting wayyyy too cluttered. Result was, a huge pile of paper to be recycled, and a couple of supermarket carrier bags of confidential papers - receipts, bank stuff etc.
Anyway, a few doors down, is this field which is green belt, and is pretty much used as a communal bit of overgrown countryside by this estate. Some neighbours plant trees on there, some just walk dogs, there is a huge mound there which is 30 years of dumped garden waste from the estate - the biggest compost heap ever you could say. It's on there, that I often go to have a private little bonfire of confidential waste (Yes, I do have a shredder, but I sorta wore it out  ).
So armed with an ancient garden hoe to prod the bonfire, I set out, got it lit.......baaaad move.
Suddenly (Should have realised being on top of a hill really) along came a gust of wind, and away went all sorts of receipts I had no choice but to get the rest burnt as much as possible, then go to retreive them.
Off I slid down the side of the heap, scrabbled around in beds of nettles, stung my nether regions paddled in mud, scrabbling for pieces of half burnt paper. An elderly neighbour came to check everything was ok, and I just meekly called up from the mud, assorted garden compost and nettles "Yes, it's fine, I do this all the time". No wonder he made a quick exit
Got back looking like Wurzel Gummedge's scruffier cousin, stripped off in the porch and went straight in the shower.
It was meant to be a break from studies, but hey - at least the good news is, I got the stuff burnt | |
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I got e-mailed this 2 mins ago
How can you live without knowing this?
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
(Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour (Don't try this at home, maybe at work)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm......)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
( I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??) | |
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Well, on Saturday, I'm doing the best man thing for a friend - and so far I have planned absolutely nothing Basically it's all due to the study, I just haven't had the time. Means tonight, I've got to write a speech.
Wish me luck
Now what can I put in that causes maximum embarassment, and minimum chance of getting a slapping from the women  | |
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Well, those who know me, know I'm taking this college course (I've done little but moan about it for the last couple of years )
Anyway, this year is drawing to a close, and last week, the moment came to take my "simulation exam". This is an exam - but it's suppose to simulate working in accounts - like we produce the final accounts for a partnership.
Well, things didn't go so well last week. The questions were rock hard, and I couldn't finish it
Anyway, long story short, I had the opportunity to finish it off today. I got permission from my manager to leave work early and go to college for 1.15 this afternoon. Soon as I got in, the tutors saw me and were really relieved I had arrived - turns out they had noticed how despondant I was, and were worried I'd pack it in.
Couple of hours later, I walked out of that college, texting my friends to say how I had got through it. Managed to complete it with a sign-off pa** - yayyyyyyyyy.
Just have the "big" exam in a few weeks - so I'll be doing lots more studying.
Drinks on me tonight. What'll it be guys | |
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A cumberland sausage casserole  It's baking away as we speak - erm - well, ok not speak, unless you're on my msn and can literally speak to me - but you know what I mean
I'm going to do a broccoli, mashed potato and a garlic bread to go with it - and the fridge is full of chilling cool ones
Anyone want some  | |
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In the infants school nursery (now called reception) class, we used to incredibly be put down for a nap in the afternoon.
Seriously, we would be sent out for play, then when we came back in, the desks were cleared away from the classroom, and they would have got out these fold away beds - and the classroom was full of beds.
At that age (Six year old IIRC), we used to have symbols next to our clothes pegs instead of our names - because most children can't read still - and these beds had blankets on with the same symbol we had next to our clothespegs, so we knew which one we had to get into.
Well what a mad thing that was. I never (unsurprisingly) went to sleep, but had to lie there, totally bored until it was waking up time again - and I can't remember how long this was, but it must have been at least half an hour.
I once got into trouble for lying there boredly singing "Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep" (Yes, it was the 70's) to myself. The teacher gave me a right prod for that.
Thank goodness "sleep time" was abolished a couple of years later in that school. I believe some parents complained because their children wouldn't go to sleep at night as a result of this nap.
And you tell kids nowadays this - do they believe you? Nope. They say to us "Next thing you'll be telling us you used to get milk at school, and the slipper if you misbehaved".
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Cleaning the fish
