I am so frustrated with my life. There are times when I actually hate my life. I am so SICK of stressing about money and wondering how I will get s**t paid! I have been crying all morning because there is no way I can get the rent paid this month. And chances are I will get locked out of my apartment for not paying the rent before I have a chance to move.

It wouldn't be a problem paying the rent if I was getting the child support that I'm suppose to get. But instead I'm only getting just over half of it. Well, maybe like 60-70% of it. But that 60-70% won't even cover the rent let alone utility bills and s**t. As soon as the state took over control of the child support I have been getting much less then the court ordered amount. And he refuses to pick up the difference. I even told him many times that if he would pick up the difference just until we moved I would be fine. After we moved I would deal with what is taken out of his checks. I wouldn't care about the rest, even though he's court ordered to pay it. But instead of caring whether or not his kids have a roof over their heads and working lights and hot water, he's got "bills" to pay. Well you know what, I DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOUR BILLS!!! I care about OUR kids! What good am I doing them by being stressed the f**k out all the damn time over money?! I was only asking for one more f**king month for him to pick up the slack! ONE MONTH! After we move I don't give a s**t what he does with the rest of his money. He can burn it, wipe his a** with it, I don't care. I just needed one more month. I wish I could go to California right now. At least then I'd have people around me that actually give a s**t about us. I can't wait to be there. Then I can finally tell their dad to "FUCK OFF!!!" I hate him SO much right now!

I can't sleep for s**t because I am so stressed. Normally I am a happy person. Always smiling and laughing. But not for the last 2 months. I'm tired of the kids seeing that I am so stressed and unhappy. I know they feel it and they shouldn't have to. I just need to get my a** to California ASAP. I know things will get much better then. I'll be happier, therefore the kids will be happier. And I'll be away from him! Maybe not having the money for rent is just a sign that I need to go to California sooner than expected. Which I would not be complaining about going there. I just don't know how I'll get that done. I guess it's time to call my dad. Maybe we can push up the moving plans.

Well I guess that's the end of my rant. Now would be a really good time to win the lottery.