"Lovin Life"  richreality
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Meister
1070 points
49/F/, Pennsylvania
Join Date: Feb 2008 |
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| i have trusted this site for being safe so far. i have trusted people i have met as being safe as well. it is all a matter of choice. you have been awesome for finding and helping with even getting my kids a great grade..now here is my crux...i am beyond wits end. i have no wits, other than savored moments here when i can understand real folks.. i really would like to enjoy life again but here it is why I believe i cant have i have no privacy.
i am bi polar.
i am self medicating.
i have no respect to any of the above.
I am relegated to understanding the feelings of invasion of privacy..my every coat, drawers and purse is examined by my husband, my license is lost to a DUI that I was not even driving but the locals decided i needed a blood test bc i was out of control, i was out of control bc of something unrelated that had to do with my fathers death and my moms survival and I stopped at a local micky d"s to get some food which i don't have much a palatte for but know when i need to eat and i when i open the door to my jeep, i thought a hit the car next to me ~ went in and said I wanted to order and i may have smacked the car next to me but next thing i know this women was screaming in my face about how i creamed the side of her car, which didnt match my jeep but the manager decided to call the local law and here i am, locals came as with my hubby but i refused a test only bc i wanted to go home and sited incessant rage that this woman in my face decided her whole car was dented bc i slammed it; all the reports said that i was not in control but there reports also confirmed that I did not damaged this womans car so they saw there was no such damage caused from me jeep but decided that they had to do something with me; so they took me and pressed charges DUI even though they arrested me when i was not behind the wheel but looking for a sting meal in mickey dees. but i would not risk a day in court to the DA deciding my life in jail or out; i have 2 teens. so all the times that i have been there for my dad and his cancer have really been thwarted bc i am and have been deemed not worthy by the people who mean so much to me. people in generally are worthy until proven wrong, so i feel anyhow. so now i am at a loss for connecting to the good, bc i am decidedly crap in my own home, and i am not willing to believe that i am one that is hungry for anything above human relief.
understanding. caring. that is not something i have anymore. i am stuck in a quagmire of control and a husband who is ever prompted to tell me to get out of HIS house. i thought is was ours. there is no ours, no mine and i am ever so fretful of not being able to come out of this... comments welcome... | |
adrinachrome
Über-Minister
15396 points | you know my father couldn't handle my mother who was in a similar way to you, not so similar as I am though, she was a schizophrenic. they got divorced when i was 7 and I really didn't see my mom too much, she was an addict and was always gone even when she was married to my dad. When I turned 17 however she had a really bad nervouse breakdown and tried to kill herself, I think she downed some Drain-o but I cant remember. She did it cause her then husband left her. I told my dad that I was moving out of his house to go take care of my mother. I took care of her until i was 23 when she died from an O.D., I would not trade those 6 years of my life for anything. If your husband isn't man enough to do what a 17 year old boy did (Loving someone when they need it most) you leave him, or something. Don't try and kill yourself though as you said you have 2 teenage boys I was 23 when my mom died but it took everything I had not to break down, I can only Imagine how hard it would be for someone younger and perhaps less experienced with that kind of thing then myself.
You'll be OK. I promise. Things always work out in someway.  |
lilbear
Ogler
22045 points | Suicide never comes without warning. It's just that the people around us miss the signs and for that I am saddened. For I believe if you Love someone you will see the signs, although at times seeing the signs may not prevent the inevitable.
And yes many people, even the ones who claim they love us the most do turn their backs on us when we are in the "BLACK PIT" as I call it. But to be fair it is extremely hard for us to deal with our state on a daily basis, but much more so for those around us whom feel totally impotent as to how to care for us. They also need care and understanding for the immense stress we impose on them. Not that we are doing so for our own pleasure or attention, nonetheless we do affect them and put a great onus on them in expecting them to always know what to do and when.
These Mental Illnesses are very destructive to all involved. I do not have bi-polar, but have seen many whom are and I know it is not easy to cope with this almost crippling disease. We feel at times that we are too great of a burden on all who love us and we think that the only way to make life easier on those we love is to stop living ourselves so that they may have some peace from US.
But that is the disease talking, not you. You have to fight the words and thoughts the disease is giving you and get the upper hand on it. The most you can do is to try not to be the disease but rather to be a person who has that disease. There is a vast difference, the former controls you whereas the latter you control. Hope this helps a little, because I know in times such as the one you're going through right now many things can be said but not many are retained. Take Care Of You and let the rest follow. Reason being if you aren't well, how can you help those around you such as your children. I am in no way saying this is easy, far from it, hard and long is the work that has to be done to get up and out of the Black Pit. But it is possible, so never quit trying and one day you may actually see yourself walking away from the Pit and never looking back.
Don't give up on yourself, you are worth all the attention you can give yourself to better yourself and be gentle and patient, but most of all learn to love yourself as you are "unconditionally".
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got to dump ... suicide does not come without warning....
