"I drink your milk shake!"  operaghost
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Über Master Debater
9465 points
25/F/Long Island, New York
Join Date: Jul 2007 |
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| I don't know what's worse. My best friend lying to me or my fiance.. I have been in quite a situation over the past few weeks.
It's come to my attention that someone is lying to me. Unfortunately it's either my best friend or my fiance.
I had talked to my best friend about some problems I was going through, my family, my fiance's family, minor troubles in the relatinoship, personal problems.... and I thought she understood that no one person/thing was the cause of my feeling down, it's a number of things.
Apparently when my fiance called her to make good on their friendship, she went and told my fiance that it's his fault I've been in a depression, that I told her he keeps me guilted from seeing my friends (not true), that I'm unhappy with the relationship..she even told him I was in therapy (something I didn't want anyone to know but told her hoping she'd understand I was trying to get help)etc. On the mere fact i asked her that our conversation stay between us.. and she didn't do that, makes me see her as the possible wrong doer.
She completely twisted around everything I told her to what she thinks it is. She also told him that I don't tell everyone the same thing and will "re-word it to keep her alliances going".
I find what she said very hurtful.. that's if she did say it.
This conversation happened almost 2 weeks ago. My fiance didn't tell me the details until recently because I finally wanted to know what was said becuase he kept apologizing for "failing" as my fiance. I knew something was totally wrong.
During the conversation I had with her she told me my fiance is the one who unfriended her on myspace. He tells me it was the other way around. It's a minor example.. but you see where this is going.
It's such a he said she said issue.
Niether of them had ever lied to me before, so why now? | |
Vizzy
Ogler+
23629 points | | Past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior. Neither may have previously lied to you, but who has been the better friend? Who do you instictively trust more? Who have you been able to count on? That's who I'd belive. |
Danger_Mouse
Minister+
14404 points | operaghost said:
I don't know what's worse. My best friend lying to me or my fiance..
I have been in quite a situation over the past few weeks.
It's come to my attention that someone is lying to me. Unfortunately it's either my best friend or my fiance.
I had talked to my best friend about some problems I was going through, my family, my fiance's family, minor troubles in the relatinoship, personal problems.... and I thought she understood that no one person/thing was the cause of my feeling down, it's a number of things.
Apparently when my fiance called her to make good on their friendship, she went and told my fiance that it's his fault I've been in a depression, that I told her he keeps me guilted from seeing my friends (not true), that I'm unhappy with the relationship..she even told him I was in therapy (something I didn't want anyone to know but told her hoping she'd understand I was trying to get help)etc. On the mere fact i asked her that our conversation stay between us.. and she didn't do that, makes me see her as the possible wrong doer.
She completely twisted around everything I told her to what she thinks it is. She also told him that I don't tell everyone the same thing and will "re-word it to keep her alliances going".
I find what she said very hurtful.. that's if she did say it.
This conversation happened almost 2 weeks ago. My fiance didn't tell me the details until recently because I finally wanted to know what was said becuase he kept apologizing for "failing" as my fiance. I knew something was totally wrong.
During the conversation I had with her she told me my fiance is the one who unfriended her on myspace. He tells me it was the other way around. It's a minor example.. but you see where this is going.
It's such a he said she said issue.
Niether of them had ever lied to me before, so why now?
Your boyfriend found out about this conversation some how?! That means your best friend be-trayed your trust at least once. Lends the arguement towards your best friend being the liar unfortunately! |
operaghost
Über Master Debater
9465 points | vizzy said:
Past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior. Neither may have previously lied to you, but who has been the better friend? Who do you instictively trust more? Who have you been able to count on? That's who I'd belive.
That's the problem. They've both been there for me as much as the other through think & through thin. I trust them both more than anyone else... I'm just devastated from what I've heard.
The only thing that makes me think my best friend might be the one lying is that she betrayed my trust and took what was said in confidence and told my fiance about me getting help (something i was going to tell him eventually but i wanted to just go on my own and try to work on my emotional problems cause I'm borderline personality).
The fact she broke my trust on that... makes me wonder.
My fiance on the other hand has never lied to me or given me reason never to trust him. |
operaghost
Über Master Debater
9465 points | danger_mouse said:
Your boyfriend found out about this conversation some how?! That means your best friend be-trayed your trust at least once. Lends the arguement towards your best friend being the liar unfortunately!
That's what I'm thinking.
I'm almost to the point where I want to sit them both down with me in the same room and say everything regarding my "problems' so that way there is no "misunderstanding".
My fiance is also very confused because he trust that I would never lie to him, but at the same time why would my friend say such things if they weren't true (or twisted my words)
I'm sick to my stomach over it  |
Vizzy
Ogler+
23629 points | I think sitting down with both of them is the best thing to do. It will clear the air, leave no misunderstandings.
Your friend may have broken your confidnece in an effort to help. May have been the wrong thing to do, but it could have come from a good place. |
operaghost
Über Master Debater
9465 points | vizzy said:
I think sitting down with both of them is the best thing to do. It will clear the air, leave no misunderstandings.
Your friend may have broken your confidnece in an effort to help. May have been the wrong thing to do, but it could have come from a good place.
If thats the case, that she did it but it came from a good place, it still doesn't explain the other things that were said. She told my fiance that "Jenn feels caged" and told him how I can't hangout with my friends, he guilts me into seeing him over them..
None of that was said nor true. He's always told me if I want to spend the day with my friends it's perfectly fine and infact he's encouraged me to see them more. I can't understand why she would say something that I never said... unless he's lying but he'd have no reason to do that to me.... urhg! see what I mean!  |
Vizzy
Ogler+
23629 points | | Argh, that's the problem with communication. We all filter what we hear through our own skewed lens. What you finally heard back from your fiance was filtered first through your gilrfriend and her own interpretations of what you said and then through his. It's all muddled up and filled with their input. Makes for confusion and hurt feelings. If you all sit down and talk together you'll have a better chance at sorting out what was really said and their intentions. |
helennash
Mega Über-Meister
3326 points | Both should be judged equally but dont be too rash get yourself in a cool frame of mind and then let them have it in spades  good luck from helen  |
tmn126
General
248 points | | The other thing to keep in mind, and I'm not saying this is an excuse, but when a person is in a serious relationship i.e. engaged, other relationships change somewhat. Is it possible that what your friend told your fiance is how SHE feels? I mean, does she feel like he's keeping you from spending time with her and the rest of your friends? I agree that neither of them should have betrayed your confidence or lied to you in any way, but I'd try to look at all the angles if I were you. Hope that helps. Good luck. |
operaghost
Über Master Debater
9465 points | Thanks 
You know.. the whole real her & I had the face to face chat was because she was interpreting my not being around as his fault/doing. I cleared it up.. clear as day.. to her in person.
If that's the case she's not one to speak. She's in a serious long term relationship herself and there have been times we were not able to hangout cause she was going to see her significant other (who has a complicated work schedule).
Part of me wonders if she's jealous of the engagement... but at the same time I just don't see her as that kind of person. Although there had been a time were we looked at very dysfunctional couples who were getting married & engaged and thought that all the people who shouhld be getting married/engaged are. Makes me wonder if she's grouping me in with those other people.
After speaking about this to my mom (needed someone who wasn't going to take one side over another) she thinks it's best I don't bring it up to my friend. She thinks the best thing to do is let things cool off and see what happens with the friendship. Not forget that this whole thing happened, but keep it in the back of my mind incase I am put in this situatino again with her.
Bringing it up with her will only be more he said/she said and nothing factual I can take. |
tmn126
General
248 points | | Your mom might have the best take on this so far. Good luck. |
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3/31/08
