when the same thing happens over and over again, sometimes people get dragged into it that do not deserve what i do to them. i know you didnot mean for anything like this to happen, but it did, and it was the worst time it could have happened being that it happened right before. and a wounded heart is the hardest thing to mend. and when the stitches keep getting ripped open, things remain the same.

i do the same thing to everyone i like, or i find attractive or interesting. i tease and taunt and make fun of and pick on. if you can get through that, and you still like me your a keeper. it is hard to be around someone who hurt you, i do not tell them how i feel, or cry, or act like a pussy. i get angry and i bottle up everything inside with anger and resentment and i get very bitter and i drop bombs to let them know how i feel and i really did not know i was making you feel that s**tty, because normally they do not. they do not even get my hints. you are smarter and i should have known that. it almost hurts more that i hurt you being that your are a genuinely good person. i am nothing what people think i am. i think i am often a disappointment for them. i attract the people who like dating the asshole, because they think that is what i am going to be. i wish i could have 1/4 of the ego of even a normal person. almost everyone i have ever dated has said the same thing to me "you deserve better than me" and then went on and on about how great i am. are great people not wanted? everyone truly wants the asshole. maybe all hope is really gone... ha

i hate that some certain people's happiness makes me literally sick to my stomach, all i have done for the past 3 days is drink. last night i couldnot even stay there i had to go, even though that conversation ended rather well, and everything got cleared up, everything is a disappointment for me, good or bad. ended up engaging someone i am not in love with. part of me thinks that i might be las vegas which i think is a big part of it, but i cannot start over again. i have thought about moving a lot and disappearing and starting over... again, i do not want to do that again though but i have to do something insane very soon. going to start plan parties and weddings as soon as i am free. i have to keep telling myself that. or i truly have nothing, nothing but disappointments.