The real reason I'm writing is to get something off my chest. Something that's been on there for too many years. But I'm not exactly sure where to start. I guess I'll start by saying I have never really loved myself. I know a lot of people don't, but I believe that one needs to love themself in order to be happy in life. My problem is that I make mistakes, and don't like myself because of it, and because I don't like myself, I make mistakes (I guess to, in a way, punish myself for something I did a long time ago, or something I didn't do). There are many things I regret in my past. Some things I wish I never did, some things I wish I had. I am not going to go into details, however. That would take up WAY too much space, and there are things I don't need anyone else to know than those who already do.
Anyways, it is for these reasons that I do not love myself. Thinking in the shower (which for me works better than on the can haha), a truth popped back into my mind; the most important thing about love is the fact you must be willing to forgive anything. That, for me, seems impossible. There are some things in my history for which I have needed the forgiveness of others. Most of these in which I DID receive forgiveness, I could not understand it. When they forgave me, it seemed so easy for them. Like it took no effort at all, no hardship in forgiving. As if there was no pain. I know that forgiveness is one of the hardest things to do, though for me, now that I think about it, I don't have too much trouble with it. Until it comes to myself anyways. I can't forgive myself. I don't deserve to be forgiven. I should just be sent to hell and forgotten about, left in total isolation and loneliness for the rest of eternity. But at the same time, I don't want it. I mean, of course I don't! Hell would suck! But I know I deserve it.
But that still doesn't take away from the fact that I need to forgive myself in order to love myself. That's another thing... you can ask almost anyone around me, they will all say that I am lonely, that I need to find a girl. It's obvious that they too can see that I want to feel loved. But when I think about it, there are SO many people who love me! So many people who drop what they are doing just to say hi to me; so many people whose day I brighten up just by saying hi to them. I'm not trying to brag or say I'm the greatest guy and everyone loves me. I know that's not true... far from the truth. But there still exists people in my life who do love me. Yet I still don't feel it. I believe it is because I need to forgive myself, and thereby love myself. I believe that if I was to love myself, I would be happy, truly happy. So on my birthday, I'm going to both give and receive the hardest gift to exchange... I am going to forgive myself.