Within the last two years I've been learning more and more about myself now that I've living outside of my parents' house. They are very toxic people to live with, that's all that needs to be said about them.

With the help of my therapist who's a wonderful influence, I've awakened to some things about myself that I have never really explored. I've finally accepted my being bisexual (But lean more towards women). I've also come to terms with the fact that I am on the Autism/Aspergers spectrum. This was brought to light for me just a couple months ago, and knowing this has helped me understand myself more than I ever have.

I now understand why I don't catch on to sarcasm very well and take many things quite literally. I panic when the motives of a question to me are unclear, like whether it's a real question or rhetorical.

I need some time to process simple things said to me so I can understand. Many people see my pauses as me not understanding them or being stupid, but that is not the case.

Due to my ability to express myself through art and writing, I have a great talent in that category. Also, I'm gifted in understanding animals. When I'm interested in a subject I learn everything there is to know about it and have a hard time talking about things OTHER than the subject of interest.

Socially I'm very black or white, and hanging out with friends is difficult for me. It's hard for me to know the simple things like when to make eye contact, or how long to laugh at a joke somebody told, or when to hug somebody. If there's no obvious cue, I have a hard time knowing what to do. I have no idea how to comfort a crying friend in front of me, it's like me being asked to perform brain surgery. Like "What am I supposed to do?!" It's like I'm on the wrong planet and people all around me are laughing at me.

But I also am very sensitive to the emotions all around me. I take on the stress and anger around me and find it overwhelming. If the mood around me is happy, however, I take that on as well.

Some people with aspergers sometimes hurt themselves when they don't know how to deal with the emotions they're feeling, such as hit themselves or banging their heads. A couple times I banged my head very hard against brick walls and blacked out. I believe this is the cause for my forgetting and struggling to find simple words to describe something.


This journal may sound like I'm complaining, but I'm not. Knowing all this I've finally come to the conclusion that I'm not a freak, I'm not crazy, and I'm not "retarded". There are millions of people like me, and I am fabulous.