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One Liners.....

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Jennifer1984 On July 20, 2022
Returner and proud





Penzance, United Kingdom
#1New Post! Aug 23, 2016 @ 11:02:52
My dad said I should register for an Organ Donor Card. He's a man after my own heart.


Old people say there's no place like home, and yet, when you put them in one....


I got ripped off in Ireland when I bought some cocaine in Limerick. The first two lines were quite long, but the third and fourth ones were much shorter.


Is it possible to mistake Schizophrenia for telepathy I hear you ask.


Elton John hates ordering Chinese food. Apparently, soya seems to be the hardest word.


My mum says she's been happily married for 4 years..... out of a total of 40.
DuLu On January 11, 2017
CHOOSE HAPPINESS!!!





Waverly, Washington
#2New Post! Aug 23, 2016 @ 21:52:49
What's brown and sticky?
--A stick!

Caller ID should be more detailed, such as:
a) "Wants help moving", b) "Going to whine", c) "Wants to borrow money".

My parents say it's their house, but when it comes time to clean,
it magically becomes 'my' house, too.

On the flip side - my kids say it's their house, but when it
comes time to clean, fix anything, mow the grass - they suddenly
disappear.
DuLu On January 11, 2017
CHOOSE HAPPINESS!!!





Waverly, Washington
#3New Post! Aug 23, 2016 @ 23:31:55
*I went into a bar and I ate a ploughman's lunch. He was livid.

*After thirteen fun ...but exhausting years... I've finally
stopped moving to the S Club beat.

*There's no sadder sight than a room full of elephants ignoring each other.

*I just made my hamster a strong coffee.
I don't want him falling asleep at the wheel.

*Why does your gynecologist leave the
room when you get undressed?

*How do they say "Eff you" in Los Angeles?? ... Trust me!!

*There are few better metaphors for life than the one
with the wooden stick outliving the delicious ice lolly.

*Great people talk about ideas.
Average people talk about events.
Small people talk other people.
Fools talk about the bins going out!

*My bed is a magical place where I can suddenly
remember everything I was supposed to do or say that day.

*I hate to be a pessimist, but I'm starting to think
I might never win the EuroMillions jackpot.

*I walked up to the window at the train station to buy a ticket to France.
Agent: "Eurostar?"
Me: "Well, I've been on the telly, but I'm no Dean Martin."

A baby's laughter is the greatest sound in the world.
Unless it's 3 a.m. and you're home alone .....
and you don't have a baby.
twilitezone911 On March 25, 2019




Saint Louis, Missouri
#4New Post! Aug 24, 2016 @ 00:13:30
one night at a bar, there was a wine contest. it is annually event at this bar, it is a contest that someone has to taste wine in aglass. not only tell what the wine is, but tell what year, it was made in.

everybody love this event every year, especially the bar drunk. who is really doesn't drink wine, but this night, he like upper his client tell, to hobb noob with them.

this group really doesn't notice the drunk that he drink the full the glasses of wine on the table that constants are drink from. the constants are saying different wines and their years were made in.

the drunk is staggering around and drinking sips out of the constants in their hands, and people around the table. one moment, the drunk was have balance problems with his balance. so the drunk went to the bar and ask the bartender for a straw.

now, the drunk use his new straw to drink out the glasses, but he a good drunk, he is very quiet. he soo good, nobody think he is brothering anybody.

all sudden, the drunk had to pee badly, he have problems see the restroom's door. so, he decide to grab a empty wine glass and stagger near the bathroom somewhat near the hallway of the bathroom.

he turn around to see if anyone is watching him. his lucky, nobody watching him. he drop his pant and pee in the empty wine glass. then he finish and shake it off. then he decide to take the empty wine glass now full glass back the table.

he staggering over and put the wine glass on the table. he stagger to a seat to sit down. all sudden, a constant pick his glass and taste it. the constant got sick and spit out the liquid out of the glass. with the disgust, the constant said loudly, " this is pee!! "

then the drunk got up on his feet and said loudly, " yes, that is correct, but what year? "
mrmhead On March 27, 2024




NE, Ohio
#5New Post! Aug 24, 2016 @ 00:59:01
@twilitezone911 Said

one night at a bar, there was a wine contest. it is annually event at this bar, it is a contest that someone has to taste wine in aglass. not only tell what the wine is, but tell what year, it was made in.

everybody love this event every year, especially the bar drunk. who is really doesn't drink wine, but this night, he like upper his client tell, to hobb noob with them.

this group really doesn't notice the drunk that he drink the full the glasses of wine on the table that constants are drink from. the constants are saying different wines and their years were made in.

the drunk is staggering around and drinking sips out of the constants in their hands, and people around the table. one moment, the drunk was have balance problems with his balance. so the drunk went to the bar and ask the bartender for a straw.

now, the drunk use his new straw to drink out the glasses, but he a good drunk, he is very quiet. he soo good, nobody think he is brothering anybody.

all sudden, the drunk had to pee badly, he have problems see the restroom's door. so, he decide to grab a empty wine glass and stagger near the bathroom somewhat near the hallway of the bathroom.

he turn around to see if anyone is watching him. his lucky, nobody watching him. he drop his pant and pee in the empty wine glass. then he finish and shake it off. then he decide to take the empty wine glass now full glass back the table.

he staggering over and put the wine glass on the table. he stagger to a seat to sit down. all sudden, a constant pick his glass and taste it. the constant got sick and spit out the liquid out of the glass. with the disgust, the constant said loudly, " this is pee!! "

then the drunk got up on his feet and said loudly, " yes, that is correct, but what year? "


Wasn't that from Arthur ... or some other drunk movie?

.. and it's hardly a one-liner.

What country has the fastest growing capital?
Ireland - because it's always Dublin!
twilitezone911 On March 25, 2019




Saint Louis, Missouri
#6New Post! Aug 24, 2016 @ 02:15:57
one day on a beautiful pasture, there are two horses name timmy and tommy eating the grass under a big tree with their only and best friend, the farmer's dog, leory. the three of them is watch by the owner, the farmer that sitting on his tractor behind on the hill above them. his name was bud.

all sudden, tommy ask to timmy would like to race down the tree about half a mile down the road and come back. timmy noddle his head up and down. the horses are line up on the road. leory on the side road to start the race. leory is going to bark to start the race, leory had a starting pistol once, leory put live round in the pistol instead planks.

to make a long story short, leory shot bub's famous pig's leg off. but another joke about a three-legged pig named Arnold.

now, timmy and tommy are ready for the race. the race is horses has around the tree and come back.

all sudden, leory barks and they are off, and bud watching the race on his tractor. the horse are neck to neck around the bend where the tree is, and timmy is lead.

they are coming in stretch, and look like and easy victory for timmy. but all sudden, tommy and timmy are neck to neck down the 100 yards to victory. all sudden, out of the blue, timmy is inches away for victory. but tommy comes out of nowhere and win the race.

bud seen this race and very please with his two horses. he decide to enters two horses in the annual town's horse races. the winner of the race win 100 dollars and a dinner with leory that they have a ham for dinner. ( twilite, that another story, has nothing with this joke. twilite, stay focus for once! )

the race is here, and timmy and tommy are at the starting line with four other horses. the race is basely starting the end of the town's borderline to other the side of the town. it just one straight line from the edge of town to another. but the horses has to run around a big tree to turn back about a half a mile from the town.

bud and leory is standing on the side where the race to cheer on timmy and tommy. then the mayor of the town use his starting pistol that real bullets in it. the race is about to get set. all horses are ready to go.

all sudden , the mayor shoot the pistol, and leory run toward the mayor jump and grab the gun from the mayor. then leory run away from the mayor. ( twilite, who tell this joke , you or me? hmmm!! twilite, that has nothing to do with this joke. tiger was reading this joke now, i would slap you soo silly now!! )

timmy in the lead and tommy in the back with the few of the horses. it look like a good race now, half way mark, where the tree is. timmy is four or five paces ahead at this stage around tree. where are Arnold the three legged pig standing and cheering for timmy and tommy. ( twilite, this along joke, tiger doesn't care about Arnold. you know that lie about arnold, twilite, bud ate Arnold last year. )

timmy is look really good, a sure thing, he is going to win. tommy has really pick up speed and coming from stretch hard. all other four horses way back from tommy. now the two horses are nose to nose in the race. now, timmy feel that he can win this for sure. all sudden, tommy get use all his strength and win the race by a nose. like he won on the country road before.

bud decide to enter timmy and tommy more races.

( i am sorry ,members, you have that do this constantly interruption by the dumbass twilite, i will have to short this joke somewhat to the Belmont stakes at the end of this joke. wait until get off this post, twilite, i am going kick your ass!! )

what happen next, tommy keep winning all the races, even the ketucky derby. so now they are at the famous Belmont stakes the next before the race.

that the night, tommy and timmy and leory , who is keep them company. they are standing around in the horse tall with other horses that is going be in the race.

timmy said to tommy, " tommy. this is final the last race, then bud going let us retire for horse races forever." now, at this stage, all other horses are listening to timmy, " come on, tommy, let me win this race, these races doesn't mean anything to you, can you let me win this one at least? "

now, the horses are looking at tommy to heard his answer, and tommy in a corner now. tommy thought about it, tommy said to timmy, " yes, my best friend, i will let you will win tomorrow, "

the next day came, all the horse are ready to go, and bud and leory are in the standing watching the race from.

the race begin, and once again, tommy is a big lead than ever before. tommy and the horses way back from timmy. now, timmy is on the home stretch more tan ever before any race.

never before timmy had the confidence to win. once again, fate in her ugly head come again, tommy speed up out of nowhere. timmy and tommy are nose to nose. with out caring, tommy beat timmy once again.

now a month later, tommy, leory ,and timmy are under the big tree n bud's pasture. none of them has talked about the race last month until now.

leory spoke up for the first time how he felt about this whole horse's business. leory said to them, " now, tommy, i sit by your side and not spoke one word of how disappointed i was with you, not letting you let timmy win one race at all."

both timmy and tommy look down at leory, and tommy and said to timmy," i didn't know that dogs can talk? "
twilitezone911 On March 25, 2019




Saint Louis, Missouri
#7New Post! Aug 24, 2016 @ 02:24:26
@mrmhead Said

Wasn't that from Arthur ... or some other drunk movie?

.. and it's hardly a one-liner.

What country has the fastest growing capital?
Ireland - because it's always Dublin!



i heard this joke off and on for over 30 years. i read out of a jokebook in my teens. where the joke came from originally i have no idea.
DuLu On January 11, 2017
CHOOSE HAPPINESS!!!





Waverly, Washington
#8New Post! Aug 24, 2016 @ 04:57:39
A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for many years.
One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have her child. If she agreed to stay in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned eighteen.

She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. He figured out a way to keep it discreet. He told her to send him a postcard with "spaghetti" written on it. Upon receipt of that, he would then arrange child support.

One day, several months later, he came home to his confused wife.
Wife said: "Honey, you received a very strange postcard today."
Husband: "Oh just give it to me and I'll explain later!"

The wife handed over the postcard and then watched as he read it.
She was astonished when he turned white, then fainted.

She picked up the card and read it:
"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Two with meatballs, one without!"
twilitezone911 On March 25, 2019




Saint Louis, Missouri
#9New Post! Aug 24, 2016 @ 05:15:56
There's no sadder sight than a room full of elephants ignoring each other.

there is no sadder sight that a full bar's room with drunken pink elephants drink coffee.
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