"Everyone talks about the effects of tobacco smoke," a husband remarked to his wife as they got ready for work.

"Where are the studies on the effects of secondhand hair spray?"

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Four friends were arguing over whose dog was smartest.

The first man, an engineer, called his dog: "T Square, show your stuff." The dog trotted over to a desk, pulled out paper and pencil, and drew a perfect triangle.

The next guy, and accountant, called to his dog, "Slide Rule, go ahead."
The canine went to the kitchen, nibbled open a bag of cookies and divided the contents into four equal piles.

The next man, a chemist, beckoned his dog, Beaker, to show what he could do. The dog went to the fridge, took out a liter of milk and poured exactly 250 milliliters into a measuring cup.

The last man was a government worker. "Coffee Break," he hollered to his dog, "go to it." With that, the dog jumped to his feet, soiled the paper, ate the cookies and drank the milk.
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A teacher, a petty thief and a lawyer all died and went to the Pearly Gates. Because of crowding, Saint Peter told them they had to pa** a test before ascending any further.

Addressing the teacher, he asked, "What was the name of the famous ship that hit an iceberg and sank?"
"The Titanic," she answered, and Saint Peter motioned her into heaven.

The thief was next. "How many people died on the ship?" Saint Peter asked.
"Gee, that's tough," the man replied. "But luckily I just saw the movie. The answer is 1,500." Saint Peter let him through.

Then Saint Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them."
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At a baby shower her co-workers gave her, my daughter mentioned she had a craving for grapes. "Scott and I wonder if we have a wine maker here," she joked.

"Don't laugh," added an older friend, "I couldn't stop eating doughnuts during my pregnancy, and now our son's a policeman."
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You remind me of my mom lol.
She'll laugh at stuff like this, which I think isn't really funny. And then when I tell a joke, that my dad and all my friends and everyone thinks is funny, she says it's not, it's just wrong. lol


"America Is all about speed. Hot, nasty, bada** speed."
-Eleanor Roosevelt - 1936