In the end...

..I can only articulate my deepest of understanding as this:

I know that my inner most intentions are of benevolence, even when not of going the extra mile to desire nurturing.

I know that my handling of my life VS environment and circumstance is fair to the point of not being harmful or fatal to others.

And because of this I know that I won't owe anyone Jack s***.

It is to this point of understanding that even if this existence is similar to Patrick McGoohan's stories where I have been captured by mad trolls - My captivity is only for the duration of my physical existence.

Once I pass from here, if yet I exist as something else, somewhere else - I will be free to the point where the tables will now have turned on those who still reside here in the physical.

So while one convicted man wants to see me in Hell, I laugh just as much at the other convicted men whom, although do not believe in Hell, suspect that we are eternally indebted to return back here again and again.

If you're as right as I feel inside, the only reason you would have to inconvenience yourself after this is to apologize and try and fix what you may have disrupted but it would be on an honor system VS your personal assessment to your self and your continued esteem, not at the mercy of something external from you.

If you have made clean this life, or better yet, made this life better for future visitors there would be no reason for you to ever return to it again.

Oh and yes, about those dreams to come....I have experienced a not so pleasant alternate world to this one in my dreams but once again the right inside me suggests that even if I have not the ability to remove that world completely once dead I will be impervious to it or else will come into full awareness as to the practical benefit of the existence of that alternate, ethereal, dream realm.

Read my signature, EB. Do you ever stop to think of something like that? Do you ever stop to think that perhaps there may never be an external or environmental bliss, but that you construct it through the attitude of your mind? That you do not owe anything or anyone anything except owing yourself yourself? Or is something like such too hard? Are you discouraged?


I'm discouraged almost on a daily basis. I'm trying to suppress it all so I can live a "healthy, normal life." I've been doing it for years. Maybe it's too late. Maybe it's not.