JEN'S PREDICTIONS FOR THE FORTHCOMING FOOTBALL SEASON, UP TO CHRISTMAS
August
The Premier League finally bows to pressure from clubs and introduces a winter break. “Keeping players fresh during the season will give England the best possible chance of reaching the World Cup Round of 16 in 2018,” says an FA Spokesman. Manchester United immediately announce that they will be taking a restful two week break in the Middle East in January, punctuated only by lucrative fixtures against Qatar, Kuwait, Yemen, the United Arab Emirates and a Saudi Oil Tycoon XI. “It’s important to keep players match fit” says Jose Maurinho.
West Brom are struggling to find a replacement for Tony Pulis after his shock decision to accept the manager’s job offered to him at Barcelona. Claud Puel is initially appointed to the vacant Baggies hot seat, but then resigns after his first training session. “I cannot work with these people,” he complains. “They have no idea what a short pass to feet is.”
September
History is made at Selhurst Park when Crystal Palace and Burnley play out the first Premier League game in which every minute of the match is marked by commemorative applause. The latest memorial is to Goldilocks, Berg Gudmundsson’s recently deceased pet budgie, who died at the age of just 89 days. Both sets of fans impeccably observe a minute’s applause during the 89th minute but Sean Dyche angrily condemns a minority of Palace “idiots” who ruin the tribute by “disrespectfully” cheering their team’s last minute winning goal. “Disgraceful,” he storms. “It makes you wonder where our society is going,”
Meanwhile at Camp Nou, Tony Pulis adds “Some much needed defensive strength” to his team just as the transfer deadline expires. Jonny Evans, Craig Dawson, Ryan Shawcross and Geoff Cameron blaze a trail to Catalonia and are welcomed by wildly cheering Barca supporters, while the only other signing at this time, James McLean, fails to win the fans over by joining ETA and turning his back on the Catalan national anthem.
October
Jose Mourinho says he is no longer interested in playing mind games. “I am sick of sending messages through the media,” he says. “I had enough of that at Chelsea which is a club where I am still adored and where I hope to return one day. It is no secret that I dream of being the Special One again. Maybe it will happen this season. Maybe not. Who knows.”
England are 1-0 up against Lithuania in Vilnius when a shot from Valskis hits the bar and bounces down over the goal line. The referee initially waves play on, but the new technology alerts him to the fact that a goal has been scored. England go on to lose and the backlash from the tabloid press is savage. “Our brave boys have been cheated out of Russia 2018 by anti-Brexit forces” screams a Daily Mail editorial. “Nobody in this country voted for goal-line technology. When will the Eurocrats learn to stop meddling with our game? Brexit means Brexit.” Gareth Southgate is sacked as manager, only to be swiftly reinstated when Steve McClaren and Sam Allardyce emerge as the only people who want the job.
November
Celtic wrap up the Scottish Premier League title with six months of the season to go. Manager Brendan Rodgers denies that the Scottish Premier League is uncompetitive. “There are no easy games in Scottish football,” he said after his side’s 14-0 win over Partick Thistle.
Peter Crouch announces his retirement from football. “I had intended to do it at the end of the season,” he says. “But I’ve got so much on in my life, with my ballroom dancing and businesses. I thought I might get a call from Tony in Spain. Perhaps he’s busy right now. I’ll probably do punditry on BT Sport instead and have a soft job talking bollocks just like Michael Owen and Ian Wright.“
December
As Barcelona saunter towards Spanish title and Champions League victory, Tony Pulis is feted as one of the best managers in Europe. Some critics had speculated whether he could reproduce his unique “kick-et-rush” style on a balmy Sunday night at Camp Nou, but Pulis has proven them wrong. He’s offered a four year extension on his contract after promising “I’m determined to get this club playing my way,” as he announces that Nacer Chadli and Craig Dawson will be joining during the January transfer window. “My methods are starting to bear some fruit though,” he went on. “Iniesta’s long-throw technique is improving all the time and Neymar’s working hard at his flick-ons.”
Jul 23, 2017 @ 09:25:59
