PATIENT: "Doctor,Doctor I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum."

DOCTOR: "I've got some cream for that."

mary had a little lamb
she tired it to a pylon
thousand volts went up its arse
and turned its wool to nylon

Hey diddle diddle
the cat did a piddle
all over the kitchen mat
the little dog laughed to see such fun
and piddled all over the cat

One Halloween I seen our neighbour dressed in a six foot condom with a bowl of custard on his dick.

I asked him what he was doing.

I'm f**king dis custard.

Things That Are Difficult to Say When You're Drunk

Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon

Things That Are VERY Difficult to Say When You're Drunk:

Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious
Transubstantiate

Things That Are Downright IMPOSSIBLE to Say When You're Drunk:

Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
No kebab for me, thank you
Good evening, officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
I'm not interested in fighting you.
Oh, I just couldn't-no one wants to hear me sing!

Italian wedding.
The bride brings her mother on the honeymoon
The bride and groom go into the bedroom.
The groom takes his shirt of.
The bride runs into her mothers room.
Mama Mama he has a big hairy chest
Get in and make love to your husband
He takes his trousers of
Mama mama he's got big hairy legs
Get in and make love to your husband
The husband took his shoes of but had a bad accident years before cutting his in half. It was aweful looking.

She runs into her Mum.
mama mama he's got a foot and a half.

Stand back daughter
This is a job for your a Mama

A man goes to a prostitute and asks how much?
She says £30 for interourse, £20 for oral and £10 for hand relief.
He only has £10 so they go down an alley and he drops his trousers.
The prostitute takes one look and says
"Wow,Do you want to borrow £20?"

A miserable guy asks a prostitute what she charges for each of the various sex acts.
Every time he complains that it's too expensive so the girl offers to give him a "penguin" for a tenner. So the guy agrees. She has him give her the tenner then she undoes his trousers.

She pulls the trousers down around his ankles.
Then she runs away with his tenner.

The guy shuffles after her shouting,
Why do you call it a penguin?

A group of tourists were sitting round a table in a Chinese restaurant in London and as the waitress passed the table she noticed that all the men were jerking off as hard as possible under the table.
She was outraged and shouted at the men "Excuse me, this is England, we do not condone such behaviour in this country you must stop immediately or leave!!"
One of the tourists replied "But we are very hungry"
She said "and you really think you will get better service with such behaviour???
He replied with amazement, "We are only doing what you asked on the menu - First come first served"

Swedish guy goes into a chemist shop and asks for a deoderant.

Aerosol or ball type?

I want it for under my arms actually

There was a cruise ship going through some rough waters that
ended up sinking just off the coast of a small deserted
island............


There where only 3 survivors: 2 guys and a girl..........


They lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women to do..............



After several years of casual sex all the time, the girl felt really bad about what she had been doing...................


She felt having sex with both guys was so bad that she killed herself...............




It was very tragic but the two guys managed to get through it and after a while nature once more took it's inevitable course.......



Well, a couple more years went by and the guys began to feel absolutely horrible about what they where doing.........






So................




They buried her.

I live near a special needs school.
It has a sign on the road saying
Slow Children

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So, he hired a famous chinese detective, Mr. Sui Tansow Pok, to watch and report any activities that might develop. A few days later, he received this report:

Most honorable sir:

You leave house.

He come house.

I watch.

He and she leave house.

I follow.

He and she get on train.

I follow.

He and she go in hotel.

I climb tree-look in window.

He kiss she.

She kiss he.

He strip she.

She strip he.

He play with she.

She play with he.

I play with me,

fall out of tree, not see.

NO FEE