These jokes are here because we believe that everybody needs a good laugh.

These jokes are not always "Politically Correct". Hyper-sensitive people or those who are easily offended should go elsewhere!

We avoid flat-out bigotry but we'll poke a joke or two at any stereotype. If you can laugh at yourself as well at others then you should enjoy them.

Remember, they're here for your fun. If they offend you then don't bitch at us! We warned you!




"No Better Friend, No Worse Enemy."

"No Better Friend, No Worse Enemy."

"No Better Friend, No Worse Enemy."

lmao! I have a feeling you're hinting for us to post some jokes




Drunken cowgirl points master...

Emeena Uk

if you had posted this BEFORE the "jokes" bout scotland i couldnt have complained!

Complained about what Earzy? You got no sense of humor?!




"No Better Friend, No Worse Enemy."

nah i kinda took them bad! i do have quite a good sense of humour, but a full thread was a bit depressing

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets for the opening ceremonies of the summer Olympics but hoped to be able to talk their way in at the gate. Security was very tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal.

While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came upon construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and said, "Johnson, the pole vault," and was admitted.

The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site. When he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and said, "McTavish, the hammer." He was also admitted.

The Irishman combed the site for an hour and was nearly ready to give up when he spotted his ticket in. Seizing a roll of barbed wire, he presented himself at the gate and announced, "O'Sullivan, fencing."






Drunken cowgirl points master...

Emeena Uk

An Irish man is sittin in a pub one night when 3 Englishmen walked in. The men sit down, and start to talk about how they can anger the Irishman... The first man says, "Watch this..." He gets up, walks over to the Irishman, and says, "Hey man, I hear your St. Patrick was a faggot." The Irishman just replies, "Oh, is that so now?" The Englishman, goes back to his seat perplexed, when his friend jumps up and says, "Here, lemme try that." So he goes over to the Irishman and says, "Hey man, I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite faggot!" The Irishman only replies, "Oh, is that so now?" So the Englishman, frustrated goes and sits down with his friends. When the 3rd Englishman jumps up and says, "Well, now, I gotta try that!" So he walks over to the Irishman ans says, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was an ENGLISHMAN!"
And the Irishman replies, "Aye, that's what your friends were sayin."




Drunken cowgirl points master...

Emeena Uk

YOU MAY NEED A NEW PSYCHIC IF...



* He keeps shaking black crystal ball and says, "Ask again later."

* Every time you draw the Death card, she yells "Go Fish!"

* Looks suspiciously like that guy who fixed your muffler last week.

* His idea of an "out of body experience" involves whipped cream and women's clothing.

* His spoon bending requires two pliers.

* Sign in window: "As Seen on '60 Minutes."

* During card-reading, asks if you want to "hit" or "stand."

* Insists that your astrological sign is "The Armadillo."

* Psychics Magazine rates her just below fortune cookies, just above your mom.

* Repeatedly attempts to read your palm with his genitalia.

* Shakes her crystal ball, then predicts a large snowstorm.






Drunken cowgirl points master...

Emeena Uk

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR BOSS



If you take a long time, you're slow. BUT if your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

If you don't do it, you're lazy. BUT if your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

If you make a mistake, you're an idiot. BUT if your boss makes a mistake, he's 'only human'.

If you're on a day off sick, you're 'always' sick. BUT if your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.

If you take a stand, you're being bull-headed. BUT if your boss does it, he's being firm.

If you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude. BUT if your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.

If you please your boss, you're ass-creeping. BUT if your boss please his boss, he's being co-operative.

If you do something without being told, you're overstepping your authority. BUT if your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.

If you're out of the office, you're wandering around. BUT if your boss is out of the office, he's on business.

If you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview. BUT if your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked!





Drunken cowgirl points master...

Emeena Uk

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over, so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach, "Because I process food and give all of your energy."

"I should be in charge!" demanded the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic. Eventually the other organs gave in and all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral Of The Story: You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge... just an asshole!!






Drunken cowgirl points master...

Emeena Uk

WHAT EMPLOYMENT ADS REALLY MEAN



"Competitive Salary" - We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"Join Our Fast Paced Company" - We have no time to train you.

"Casual Work Atmosphere" - We don't pay enough to expect that you will dress up.

"Must be Deadline Oriented" - You will be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"Some Overtime Required" - Some time each night, some time each weekend.

"Duties will Vary" - Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"Must have an Eye for Detail" - We have no quality control.

"Seeking Candidates with a Wide Variety of Experience" - You will need to replace three people who just left.

"Problem Solving Skills a Must" - You are walking into a company in perpetual chaos. Haven't heard a word from anyone out there. Your first task is to find out what is going on.

"Requires Team Leadership Skills" - You will have the responsibilities of a manager without the pay or respect.

"Good Communication Skills" - Management communicates poorly, so you have to figure out what they want and do it.





Drunken cowgirl points master...

Emeena Uk

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the group have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no longer tolerated.

We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers, therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.

SO:

TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: When the f**k do you expect me to do this?

TRY SAYING: I'm certain that is not feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f**king way!!

TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be s**tting me?

TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a s**t.

TRY SAYING: Of course I'm concerned.
INSTEAD OF: Ask me if I give a s**t.

TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f**king problem.

TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f**k?!?!

TRY SAYING: I'm not sure I can implement this.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, it won't work.

TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?

TRY SAYING: Are you sure this is a problem?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell cares?

TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the problem.
INSTEAD OF: He's hasn't got a f**king clue.

TRY SAYING: Excuse me sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat s**t and die motherf**ker.

TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Sucked in f**kwit.

TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at this moment.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I'm on salary.

TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass!

TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.

TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?

TRY SAYING: I see.
INSTEAD OF: Blow me.

TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it.
INSTEAD OF: Another f**king meeting!!!

TRY SAYING: I don't think this will be a problem.
INSTEAD OF: I really don't give a s**t.

TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a f**king prick.

TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a ball busting bitch.

TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f**k you're doing.






Drunken cowgirl points master...

Emeena Uk

i would say all the TRY THIS's very sarcastically! then they are just as bad as the INSEAD OF THIS's