The perfect son

A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: Well, I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.

A rope walked into a restaurant ....
Rope: "May I have a milkshake, please?"
Waiter: "Are you a rope?"
Rope: "Yes."
Waiter: "Sorry, we don't serve ropes."
The rope went out, burns off his ends and ties himself into a knot.
He then goes back into the restaurant.
Rope: "I'd like a milkshake, please."
Waiter: "Are you a rope?"
Rope: "No, I'm a frayed knot."

despite myself, even though this joke is bad, it is clever to be funny.
it is my fault. i read this joke now, just because i was hanging around the forum too long today.

*A skunk walks into a bar and says, "Heyyy, where did everybody go?"

*E-flat walks into a bar.
The bartender says: "Sorry, we don't serve minors."

*A potato walks into a bar.
All eyes were on him.

I was visiting my daughter and son-in-law the other day and asked if
I could borrow a newspaper. Son-in-law responded: "This is the twenty-first century, old man. We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad."

That poor fly never knew what hit it!

*Your hangover is the ghost of every dance move you murdered last night.

*Cashiers are always checking me out!"

*I hate it when I plan a conversation in my head and the
other person doesn't follow the script!"

*Bill Gates has offered a $100,000 reward to anyone who invents a more attractive condom. --I ask you, who's gonna buy a condom from a company called Microsoft?"

*Despite repeated false alarms, I've investigated myself thoroughly and my sex
is not, I repeat, NOT on fire. Disappointing.

*Why was the math book sad? It had tooo many problems.

*My buddy Jim says I'm schizophrenic, which I find very weird.
I don't 'have' a buddy called Jim.

*What has a head, but no body? A nail.

*Teacher/mom: "Why did you swallow the coins?"
Student/son: "You said it was 'lunch' money!"

*How do you stop a clown from smiling?
Shoot him in the face.

*Have you ever mis-sold a mail order bride?

*I hate it when people are at our house and ask "Do you have a bathroom?"
----Noooo, we crap in the garden.

*TESCO are (is?) giving out treble points to Clubcard users for all burgers and petrol, starting Monday. The deals called: Only Fuel and Horses!

a woman walk in a bar carry a pig in her arm.

a drunk fall off his bar chair and then he get up and stagger to the woman. then he said, " pig, you know are carrying a pig? " the lady said to the drunk with shock in her face, " beg your pardon! "

the drunk lift his face to look at her and burb in her face and said, " excuse me, lady, i was talking to the pig. "

*I was taught by a cross-eyed teacher.
She couldn't control her pupils.

*I got this really cute girl's number today.
I'm starting to think I should cause car accidents more often.

*Animals may be our friends; but, they won't pick you up at the airport.

What do you do with 365 used tires?
Roll them up into a tire and call it a Goodyear!

Why did the boy take the ladder to school?
He wanted to go to 'high' school.

*If you spend too much time looking at search engines, you'll go
Googly-eyed.

*Politicians and diapers have one thing in common; they should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

*Betty said her friend had a real problem - she was too
quick to jump to comfusion.

*Pepsi fired me! I tested positive for coke!

*If Barbie is so popular, why the heck do you have to buy her friends?

*You might have TextAphrenia - thinking you felt or heard the vibration or alert for a new text message --- when there was 'no' message.

*What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.

*What did one bucket say to the other? "I'm feeling pale today!"

*The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.

*Pepsi fired me! I tested positive for coke!

what is different between " ooh " and " ouch "?

an inch.