Depression

Its funny you mention writing. At work last night I was thinking about your first reply, how the anger and hatred had caught your attention. Within myself I had glossed over that, read it but not focused on it. Your mention though pulled my focus and I started to think about it. I've been working on a story for a while now, one I actually started a month or two after that phase of depression set in. I've only been able to get part way through it though before hitting a writers block and last night I believe I realized why. The character that I can't seem to write is one with that personality type. Anger and hatred towards, well, joy, love, happiness, etc. In essence a reflection of myself when in that state of mind. That cold, venomous, unreasoning anger. At the world. My block being that when I'm not there in that depressed state of mind I essentially disassociate myself from it. Its there, but I don't know it. Its why I haven't been able to write him, this character who I came up with while feeling those feelings and thinking those thoughts. Because to write him now I'd have to put myself there again. I'd have to touch that darkness in my mental pit of hell. Its a thought that brings tightness to my chest and makes me shy away. The bad part is that this character is an integral part of the story, the central antagonist to be exact. Now I have to ask myself, can I write him? Do I dare? And if I do, will I fall again?

In essence I participate in what is before me, the lives of friends and family. Beyond this I really don't set myself out into the world any more than I really have to. Not because of any fear of it or being hurt really but because I just really don't care that much about what everyone else seems to care about. The big social scene. The materialistic grubbing about. I just want to exist and simply do what I have to do in the course of living day to day. I participate in what is and what is presented to participate in. Sometimes not even that if I don't have to. I'm very much a homebody, if not a hermit in a sense, because that's the way I like to live. Simply.
The world though doesn't have an effect on my state of mind as such. Or should I say the spins of my depressions. Its my mind. I can be sitting at home perfectly at peace and suddenly the bottom will drop out of the world. I say this because its happened. Out of the blue a switch is thrown and my world is suddenly a dead place, all because something in my mind focused and flipped. A thought leading to a feeling leading to a field of blackness.
This experience, this life, all we can ever do is ride it out. But its a ride we can give gas to, brake or steer in a direction we might deem as having a more favorable circumstance. At least I'd like to think so anyway.

There is a sense of danger for me when I wander into that part of my mind that gives birth to those characters. One story of mine has the narrator pushing a child out of a moving car, and I remember feeling physically averse to writing it. There is no other way to say it, but I felt fear in writing it even though I knew it was a work of pure fiction, and I think part of that fear came from knowing that I was touching something in my mind that I didn't like identifying with.

I think that it's healthy to exercise that though and become familiar with those darkenesses, and in effect moving beyond comfort so that we better actualize ourselves. I do believe that creativity is one of those mechanisms that allows us to be more aware of our own humanity, and when it produces things that we find repugnant it causes us to access those parts of ourselves that we normally keep hidden, but that we also must face if we are to be truly happy.

I have a story that has been sitting half finished for eight years about a small town hick with a genius IQ who decides he is going to burglarize a house with his best friend and his best friend's borderline mentally retarded brother. I think in my case, the writers block is due To the fact that it's actually a very funny story, and while humor is usually a part of my stories on some level or another (even the dark ones have some black humor in them) I am much more moved by things that disturb me and for me it's a way of keeping that part of me at bay that I wish to disassociate with. I don't know if that would be the same for you, but for me, writing disturbing things and making horrible characters actually keeps power away from those dark things in myself.

I'd love to read the story if you're ever inclined to share it, even if it's not finished. And if not of course I understand.

It isn't real.

Is not

is not

is not

is not
no

no

Yeah, I know a thing or two about facing what we fear. There's an inherent darkness in the baddies I write. Dark if not in action than psychologically. I guess this current character just cuts a little closer to home and in a way that I've never really liked to emulate. A man with a cold heart and a sociopathic personality. Now that I can see why I've been blocked in writing him though I think I can go about actualizing him more effectively. Personable, but cold and methodical.

I think you've already read parts of the book I'm working on. The title is, Sweet Carollyne, Death's Angel. A supernatural theme, the characters have vampiristic attributes though they aren't vampires as such. Everything I had wrote before has since been rewritten so even if you had read parts it's changed now. Because it's a novel I have something on the order of 40 to 60 thousand words written right now so it would be a little extreme to post that. I could probably work something out though if you like.

I'm similar in the sense that I only focus on the very few friends I have at hand and don't venture outwards for any more.

On top of just simply not being able to relate with pop culture I also don't trust others enough. I feel they would become moss to a stone and bad rep (based on short-sighted assumptions) persistently following me around; sometimes even proceeding me.

As for the quick drop into depression. Perhaps more a physical issue then? Reviewing all I've been through my bouts always were triggered by some form of stimuli and weak cognitive abilities kept me from recovering quickly.

Further thoughts on this, which may not change what 'is', but another perspective during the current times:

Perhaps the disconnect, the 'does not fit' feelings/thoughts --- perhaps these exist because of the fact that 93% of communication is nonverbal.

But when a disconnected person then attempts to use words to express themselves, they think/feel as if they are rejected, not accepted. ***Then, when they go back to letting their non-verbal communication speak for them, they are chastised for not speaking up, for not using 'words' ---- cuz no one should be expected to read your/their minds, after all. How silly/stupid is that (said/implied).

Perhaps, for the persons who have thoughts of disconnect or 'not fitting' ----- perhaps their whole lives would change if they were to stop being told to just cope with their feelings, and focus on their thoughts and actions.

Maybe it would help for all, if persons just stopped talking about 'feelings' at all.

You know what? Feelings are thoughts. Because if you didn't have thoughts, a thinking process going on, you would not be able to discern the difference between thoughts and feelings and then CHOOSE where to go, or not go from there.

Talk of feelings puts people off, especially extended or repeated discussions. For those that this concerns, try this: ban the word feelings from your conversation when you are talking about what's on your mind. It's no lie, if you retrain yourself to say "Here's what I think" vs 'here's how I feel'; or "My thoughts on this are..." vs "I 'feeeel' ....."

Instead of "I 'feeeel' ...... when you...."
say "I" 'think' ........ when you....."

Just for kick and giggles, try it for a day, or even a whole week. Observing the reaction and body language of all as you do this.

********Without thoughts, there are no feelings.

Without thoughts there are no feelings:

Absolutists cringe and say that there is only one way to look at things and as a happy coincidence it just happens to be their way.
Perspectivists, such as you and I, understand that for a clearer comprehension it is necessary to observe from different points of view.


Initially I was going respond with a yes but. However, after some reflection I believe I understand what you mean and I agree with you .

It really depends on how we define the words feeling and thought and I have been using them in a way that is somewhat different way you use them.

The word Feeling, as I use it, symbolizes a general state of consciousness that is independent of thought. The mind is conscious of feelings but feelings are not thoughts. Feelings are an awareness, a vague awareness; they are not thoughts.
I place feeling in the rubric of emotions. (e.g. I may feel compassion but expressing it is difficult (except maybe for poets or other artists).




We do not think happy, or sad, or hungry we feel happy etc. I would phrase it; 'without consciousness there is no feeling'.

Anyway, that is how I feel ...I mean think.

For absolutists (your word, not mine), howdo they articulate to others that they have compassion in their minds? Without using the word feeling or a synonym for it?

Of course, they could express compassion non-verbally, by actions and body language. But, how would an absolutist go about sharing the feeling or 'thought' of compassion they have with all others ------ not just other absolutists ----- but alllll others ===== in such a way that they could comprehend what the he/she was they're talking about?


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Without thoughts or feelings of respect, what is
there to distinguish man from beast?
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Here's another suspicion - Our experiences in this world could be manipulated by men and not any sort of creators what-so-ever.

That feeling of disconnection may come from that fact that we are never allowed to cross paths with the many who may be able to relate to us:

Consider the interwebs - It changed the world drastically so that we now had access to finding everyone. But would that be of benefit to some factions of society?

How many social sites have you used where most occupants were male although, by common sense, you knew there were a lot of female users?

And then consider the possibility that those who host online communities like games or forums may be able to keep you in the game while hiding a huge portion of other players from you simply as their feeds are not loading into you experience.

Isn't censorship and leaving others blind the greatest means to power?

What if CPat could've easily met several girls over the past year who would've geled with him like they knew him all their life?

In this instance would CPat no longer have to chase a carrot on a stick? In this instance would this remove these girl's company from their current abusive relationships with the men hoarding them?

Consider how easy it is to limit opportunities available on the net or just host them for those who demonstrate they subscribe to specific constituencies.

Should we work harder to uncover and correct such a conspiracy or should we just resign to disdain with our creator for introducing us all to such a broken and sloppy world that is this easy to hack and manipulate?

Not only have I settled for the latter I know now the truth this existence has taught me - No existence beyond this one (if any) can ever be trusted and therefor never addressed with passion.

ie; You might be eluded into believing you've re-united with your parents in 'Heaven' but I can guarantee that most definitely won't be the case.

What's in a name?




D: How do absolutists articulate [communicate] compassion (in their minds) without using the word feeling or a synonym for it?

E: If you are you asking about non-verbal intra-personal communication I would say Intuition (i.e. an instinctive knowledge). Intuition does not have to be labeled to be known.




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D: An absolutist could express compassion non-verbally, by actions and body language.

[But]

...how would an absolutist go about sharing a feeling (or 'thought' of compassion with all others (not just other absolutists) in such a way that [the others] could comprehend what the [absolutist] was talking about?

E: Inter-personal communication of a feeling (or concpet) with body language works to some degree but once we define a feeling, label the feeling, and assign the feeling a symbol, we have to use that symbol or an alternative symbol with a similar meaning if we want to communicate.

E: Many times (maybe always) that which is implied and that which is inferred are not the same. That is the problem of attempting to explain feelings to another person with words. Art is a much better medium to express and communicate a feeling.

(e.g. I might experience a feeling and call it fear; you might experience the same feeling and call it anger. We have not communicated.






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D: Without thoughts or feelings of respect, what is
there to distinguish man from beast?

E: thumbs





E: Have we succeeded in communicating?

certainly we have, but most likely not in the way which you intended,
not as fully as you anticipated.

Reference art: that is just as subjective as words and intuition
or anything else ----- one person's garbage or junk is another person's treasure or work of art (just 'presented' differently, or perceived differently).

Just thinking of the many times I or others have posted (or said)
--- what 'was' was, and what 'is' is ---- move on, get past it.

Upon further reflection, it's very possible that === what 'was' or 'is' --- wasn't what one was led to believe it ...was... or ...is...!