The Five Stars of Hangovers . . .

Hangover (*) ONE STAR

No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still Feel this way. For some reason, your are craving a Philly sub and steak fries.


Two Star Hangover (**)

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.


Three Star Hangover (***)

Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced
teas and a diet Coke-yet you haven't peed once.


Four Star Hangover (****)

Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face (for the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars). Your eyes look like one big red vein and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five s***s you take during the day makes the eyes water of everyone who enters the bathroom.


Five Star Hangover (*****)

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now....

very good trunk monkey!! u sound like a very slick person!

emma x

OMG...I think I've had all five of those in my 20's! No more
Did you know that the cold medicine called "Airborne" is a great cure for hangovers...at least that's what I've heard. I haven't been drunk in ages, so I don't know first hand.

I've had a couple of 3stars but dont fancy anything more than that

i've gotten so wasted that i went to sleep for a few hours and woke up drunk. i dont ever want to feel like that again. It was a crazy 4 days. It really only happens when i drink beer though. mmmmmmm..... corona.........

corona.... youd like drown before getting overly drunk that stuff is so diluted it shouldn't qualify as alchohol

well the only time i've had it i had other stuff first -vodka and some kahlua - not together though - so it could have been a mix of all three.... it's making me sick thinking about it.