miscellaneous jokes

you can play cello on stage being a nude in nudist camp's concert, you can pluck it with one hand, you might not need a cello in a first place.

a rolling stone can you.... a quite bruise!

i have go pee soo badly, my back teeth are flowing.

in an airport, the old couple goes to the ticket counter. they just got their tickets and ready to the plane. the ticket counter agent sign a bagger handler to come over to get their bag.

the ticket counter agent said to the bagger handler, " take this bag ( she looking down at their bag. ) to the plane. "

the baggage handler said to the old lady with with his arm crook up to his side, " this way to the plane, madam. "

words to live by:

if there is a cow in your house, milk it!

If you want the best seat in the house you will have to move the cat.

three heavy parrots walk into a bar. one of them was the leader of the pack, a really mean female parrot with a cigar in her mouth. other two of in her pack was her male associates. they wobble over to the bar.

the female butch parrot look at the bartender, and said to him.

"i was were here last night, you were out of crackers. my name is polly. polly came here now with her associates to collect those crackers, you owe me now!"

now, the bartender look in utter fear. polly said to him.

" do you what a mean toughest female parrot in seven seas wants? polly wants her crackers now! damn! where my crackers! "

Why did the duck go to the hospital?

He had a heartaquack!

my friend was water skiing and he fell into the river, as the boat circled to pick him up he noticed a hunter sitting in a duck boat in the reeds. my friend put his hands up jokingly said "don't shoot". The hunter said "Don't Quack!"

I had a dream last night, that I was depressed, because I fell in a well and I am sitting in water, and I have no way of getting out.

then I saw a note hanging or stuck to the side of inside the well near me. I grabbed the note. the note said:

you think you are depressed, I sitting in water, I am in next well beside you.

do you why cats eat in the dark?

because they can't reach the light switch on the wall.

even, when I was a baby, I had no respect. when I came out of my mother, my doctor slapped me. then the nurses took a couple of a good wacks at me, too.

when I was a little kid, my mother told me that children should seen, not heard. when we had a company over the house. my mother put a lamp shade over my head, everybody thought I was a lamp.