Irregular Horoscopes of the Onion

Leo (Jul 23 - Aug 22): The universe has a funny way of balancing things out. Prepare to lose your other eye by the end of the month.

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22): Yes, love is a total mystery. Those semen stains, though, are probably a clue.

very funny stuff

Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22): Animal rights activists will accuse you of cruel and inhumane conduct, even though the chicken is already dead, and that’s just the way you eat wings.

Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 21): You will give birth to a beautiful, bouncing baby girl this week, moments after going into labor inside that giant inflatable castle.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21): Romance is in the air for this week, as well as on the bed-sheets, the nearby curtains, and in a growing puddle on the floor.

Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 19): No one knows what mysteries lie deep in the human heart, but you figure they’re just not rinsing it enough or using a bright enough flashlight.

Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18): Your life will be cut tragically short next week by the untimely discovery that your breadmaker can also be used to make doughnuts.

Pisces (Feb 19 - Mar 20): They thought they had you pegged. They thought they could screw you over and you’d just take it lying down. They were wrong. You’re thrashing about in ecstasy like a crazy person. It’s a little freaky.

Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 19): Your daughter’s memory will still haunt your dreams, but it’s a welcome change from all the relived failures and sweaty former scoutmasters.

Taurus (Apr 20 - May 20): The stars say that this week will be a time of reflective contemplation, so postpone your plans to rollerskate around naked except for the gas mask.

Gemini (May 21 - Jun 20): You’ll lose both legs in a railroad accident next month, but luckily they’ll only be prosthetic replacements for the ones you’ll lose at the zoo this Thursday.

Cancer (Jun 21 - Jul 22): People and places from your past will come rushing back this week, thanks to a sudden hemorrhage of the temporal lobe.

Leo (Jul 23 - Aug 22): Although you’re beginning to despair, it’s important to square your shoulders, set your jaw, take a deep breath, and try to hit the toilet with everything this time.