miscellaneous jokes

My New Year's resolution is to drink more liquids cuz I'm having a terrible time drinking solids.

I see the things were going bad in my first marriage, when my wife insisted on our honeymoon to leave " do not disturb " sign hang on our honeymoon's door from inside of the room.

this man own a very crankous parrot, like to a*****e to him. this parrot is so bad, that anybody that walking by their house. the parrot name is ' a****** " . the name is hal, hal deserve to call the bird, " a****** " , where hal like to wipe most of the time against his ass. every time, hal put that damn bird in front window of his living room. it doesn't matter, man or woman, every a child, this a** give them, the finger.

hal tried to clean out the newspaper from the bottom page, a****** grab his arm and take a bite at it. hal goes out his way to get " playboy " magazine for parrots that had naked female parrots. hal can't handle a****** anymore, he doesn't what " wtf " , this bastard of a parrot of captain blackbeard's a** want from him.

hal took a****** in his cage to his friend , who is a veteran to see if what this a** problem is? his friend name is bill. bill exams a****** from a** to wipe. and a****** gave the finger to bill.

bill said to hal, " i'll right back, i have the solution to a******'s problem. " hall hopefully bill was going give a****** an emma.

bill comes back with a cage with a beautiful female parrot name " stella ". bill said to hal, " i will charge fifteen dollars for stella. ' then bill put a****** in with stella and took the cage in a back room of bill's house. then in the room, bill put a sheet over the cage for little private.

well, bill come back and starting to hale about old times. all sudden, stella is screaming, " fire, fire ! " ( women, you that any man won't respond to you, if you said " help me, help me ". and 50 percent of all parrots name " polly " won't get a cracker. ) then men leap out their chairs and rush back to the back room, and saw with horror.

the men rush back and bill rip the sheet off the cage, and there was a****** grab by the throat of stella sueeze life out of her with one claw. and other claw ripped off all her feathers off her beautiful body.

a****** said angrily and demand:

" for fifteen dollars. i want you, naked!! "

What does it mean to be "inAne"?

i misspelled the word is " ante " is playing poker to throw more chips.

once, i played poker, i ran out of money. for collect, i throw a couple of my ex-wives in the pot to paid off my debt. my friends seen my ex-wives before, and i give my watch to my friends to paid off my debts.

I think I was the one with the typo this time - but, no matter.

Stuff happens!

Some exes are like that.

Dense, stupid ...a lunkhead.

that ok, that can happen.

it took over a month, to teach one of my ex-wife to be house broken. it was embarrassing. she going on the front tree in front yard for awhile after we got marriage.

you know that are 32 cheerleader incidents per day.

because they call 911, and the time, they spelled out the incident.

why was the cat afraid of the tree?

because the bark.

food for thought:

you pull a duck's neck as long, you want. it ain't going turn into a swan!

last night, I went to my local café down the street to have dinner there. I look at the menu. and I sask the waitress how the meat loaf was tonight.

she told me that meat loaf has two tricks, the meat loaf can stand still and laid over on it's side.

I said, " i'll take the meat loaf, does the meat loaf have another tricks? "

the waitress said, " it has one more trick, the customers said to me, it is hard to keep down! "

here about a broom that was late for work, because he oversweep.