Irregular Horoscopes of the Onion

Taurus (Apr 20 - May 20): Looking back on it now, letting Sam Peckinpah direct your home movies was probably a big mistake.

Gemini (May 21 - Jun 20): A car accident awaits you in the coming days, which is unfortunate, as it’s the kind that involves too many Mountain Dews and not enough gas stations.

Cancer (Jun 21 - Jul 22): No one likes to hear that they’re going to be confined to a wheelchair for the rest of their life. Teach your cockatiel something else to say.

Leo (Jul 23 - Aug 22): The fifth coming of Jesus Christ this week will reveal that you haven’t been paying as much attention as you’d thought.

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22): Usually, this stuff happens in movie theaters, so you’re pretty surprised when two hours of sexy, suspense-filled action come to a bakery near you.

Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22): You might think you’re the coolest person around, but don’t forget about Beth Mills of Austin, TX. She has a hedgehog.

Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 21): You’ll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter’s landing skids.

Sagittarius (Nove 22 - Dec 21): You’ll be shunned when the man you famously taught to fish dies of mercury poisoning.

Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 19): Perhaps your pets could be cuter, but that’s no excuse for sewing them inside your favorite stuffed animals.

Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18): The debate over stun guns will take a strange turn when you drunkenly decide that they probably wouldn’t work on you.

Pisces (Feb 19 - Mar 20): You’re not the type of guy who gets all mushy, but that will change this week, when they leave you out in the sun.

Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 19): Your favorite T-shirt brings about your downfall when a literal-minded mob follows its instructions and fills you to the indicated line with margaritas.

Taurus (Apr 20 - May 20): Your problem is that you have no sense of proportion, which is why you paid surgeons to enlarge your head and hands.

Gemini (May 21 - Jun 20): You’ll never smile again after the tragic loss of your lower jaw and lips this week.

Cancer (Jun 21 - July 22): Attempts to run away from the problem will fail this week when the problem turns out to be a short-circuited treadmill.