miscellaneous jokes

a man walking in the jungle, he came upon a elephant that was a limping. the man goes up the elephant saw in his leg, a thorn. the man lift the leg, and pull out the thorn. the elephant thank him. all then sudden, the elephant pick the man by his truck in the air. the elephant take the man back to his hotel. the elephant take the man to the second floor, where the man staying. then the elephant put on the second floor of the hotel, and then the elephant walking away back to the jungle.

years later, the man goes to the circus, he sit in the audience. a group of elephants come on the ring. one of the elephants head toward to the man, the man recognizes the elephant. it was the same elephant, he save years ago. the elephant now, is front of the man said hi to the elephant, he assume the elephant remember him. all sudden, the elephant pick up the man in his truck in the air like before. but this time, the elephant throw the man against the bleachers and break both legs.

in the hospital, the man realizes that the elephant in the circus, was a different elephant.

Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it.
He phones the police and says "Bejesas I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb." The operator asks, "is it tickin ?" Paddy says "No I tink it's beef"

my mom told me never breastfeed me, but she only like me as a friend.

two goldfishes are in a fish bowl.
one fish said to another,
" how to drive this thing? "

what a blonde and a carton of orange juice have a common?

both need centration

years ago, my family and I went to a chinese restaurant one night. this Chinese restaurant was so bad, how bad was it, twilite!

I had raw fish that night. I looked at my raw fish, I joking winked at my fish. it wink back!

Here's a few yo momma jokes for your viewing pleasure...

Yo momma is so fat, she fell in love and it broke.
Yo momma is so fat, cave explorers go on expeditions in her orifices.
Yo momma is so old, the key on Ben Franklin's kite was to her house.
Yo momma is so fat, when she sleeps on waterbed she spreads a blanket over the Pacific.
Yo momma is so fat, a picture of her on the internet takes five years to load.
Yo momma is so stupid, she sold her car for gas money.

This joke has been around forever just change the name and the issues to update it .
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The President goes to a bar looking for a call girl ,

He found three such girls in a local pub, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead.
To the brunette he said,
'I am the President of the United States.
How much would it cost me to spend some time with you?'
She replied, '$200'.

To the redhead he said,
'I am the President of the United States.

How much would it cost me to spend some time with you?'
She replied, '$100'.

He then asked the blonde.
Her reply was,
'Mr. President, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes, my pants down as low as my wages,
get that thing of yours as hard as the times we are living in, and keep it rising like the price of gas,
keep me warmer than it is in my apartment and screw me the way you have the retirees,
then it isn't going to cost you a damn cent!'

"We're going to be together for the rest of our lives,"
smiled my girlfriend as we flew out to our dream holiday in Hawaii.
"You seem pretty sure of yourself,"
I replied.
"I am,"
she said, gazing out the window.
"The left wing's fallen off and the engine's on fire."

What's worse than your mom walking in on you watching porn?
Your mom walking in on you watching Gay porn....

I've decided I'm going to cook my wife something nice for dinner tonight.
Just to show her how it's done.

Halloween is the one time of the year when you can wake up next to a girl and she looks better without her makeup.

Some One Liners

1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his bus."
--Author Unknown
2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two" and "Keep away from children."
--Author Unknown
3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
--Drew Carey
4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."
--Jeff Foxworthy
5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base."
--Dave Barry
6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger
7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when her parents took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"
--Paula Poundstone
8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh."
--Conan O'Brien
9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my G*d.... I could be eating a slow learner."
--Lynda Montgomery
10) "I think I know how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"
--Richard Jeni
11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."
--Johnny Carson
12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
--Paul Rodriguez
13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida , but they turned sixty and that's the law."
--Jerry Seinfeld
14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that?
What, do tall people burn slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson
15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."
--Oscar Wilde
16) "Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself."
--Mark Twain
17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student! At least they can find Afghanistan ."
--A. Whitney Brown
18) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My G*d, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'"
--Dave Barry
19) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.
; --Unknown, presumed deceased
MY FAVORITE SAYING
20) "Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer."
-- W. C. Fields
And lastly:
Why should I have to Press 1 for English? They're already speaking in English!