miscellaneous jokes

A senior citizens group charters a bus for an overnight gambling casino trip. An elderly woman comes up to the bus driver and says, 'I've just been molested!' The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream.. So he tells her to go back to her seat and sit down. A short time later, another old woman comes forward and claims that she was just molested. The driver thought he had a bus load of old wackos, but who would be molesting these old ladies? About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that she'd been molested too. The bus driver decides that he'd had enough and pulls into the first rest area. When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles. 'Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?' says the bus driver 'I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three times, but every time I tried to grab it, it gets up and runs away!'

This lady and her husband were driving down the road arguing about his excessive infidelity. All of a sudden the lady reaches into her purse, pulls out a knife and chops off the mans peter and throws it out the window. Driving down the road behind them was a father and his 6 year old daughter. The peter hits the window, sticks for a minute and falls off. The little girl says "daddy, what was that?" Not wanting to expose his little girl to such a sensitive matter at such a young age, he tells his little girl "That was just a bug honey!" The little girl looked puzzled for a while, all of a sudden she says "WOW, It sure had a big dong."

Q. What day are more collect calls made on than any other day of the year?

A. Fathers day!

And to think I always thought BiPolar was a Polar Bear that swings both ways, my bad, my bad...

I'm Irish so I get a free pass on this next joke. paddy and murphy are down on their luck and decide to open a fish and chip shop. after a couple of months trade isn't what they expected, so paddy says to murphy 'lets open up a brothal' 'do't be a idiot' replies murphy, 'if we can't sell fish and chips, how are we going to sell broth'

What I Want In A Man! Original List
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)
1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
1. Breathing.
2. Doesn't miss the toilet.

What is red and smells like blue paint?
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Red paint.

Three guys in college were trying to decide on which guy's hometown to visit for break. The first guy says, "We should head to my city. There is a bar that has $2 beers, live music and cheap pool." The second guy says, "Whoa, we need to go to my town. $1.50 beers, live music, free pool, and no cover charge." The last guy then says, "Well in my town there is a bar with no cover, music or pool; but the people are really great...they buy you all the beer and drinks you want, they buy you food, and you get laid." The first two guys ask in disbelief, "Are you sure? That sounds too good to be true." To which his response was, " Yeah, it happens to my sister every time she goes in there."

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes .



After a few days they meet again.....



The engaged girlfriend said: 'The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4' stilettos and mask. He said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you, then we made love all night long.'



The mistress stated: 'Oh Yes! The other night we met in the office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had wild sex all night.'



The married one then said: 'The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready, l eather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said, 'Hey Batman, what's for dinner?'

My friends and I have a drinking game, 3 of us drink a 5th of Jack Daniels, one of us gets up to get another 5th and the other two try to guess who left!

Two birds are flying one next to each other.
First one goes: "Damn im tried of flying all day long, my wings hurt"
Second one goes: "Shut up and start moving, you fat cow!"

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated, instead of just murdered?



Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?



Why does a round pizza come in a square box?



What disease did cured ham actually have?



How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it people always say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?



Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?



Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?



Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway...



Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?



Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?



If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?



Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!



If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?



Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?



Why did you just try singing the two songs above?



Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why, Why, Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a thread a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up , examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?



Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do all those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?



Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?



The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends — if they're okay, then it's you.

Q: Star Trek: Know why I call the bathroom "the transporter room"?

A: Because outside, you're American. But inside, European!

if my father married another woman. that woman would be my step mother. if my step mom had a dump. that poop would be her stool. that stool would be my step stool.