miscellaneous jokes

Some guys were sitting around. One asks "What is the fastest thing? One answers "A thought. It happens just in a instant. The other says no the blink of a eye is. One guy says in school we learned the speed of light is the fastest. Last guy said diarrhea is the fastest.

Before I could think, blink and turn on the bathroom light I sh*t my pants.

you heard about the priest opened a fish abd chip place. a customer came in and ask; ' are you the fish fryer? '. and the priest said to the customer. ' no, i am chicmuck! '

one good turn - get the blanket.

a bird in a hand - get dirty.

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.

She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

A Harley Biker is riding by the zoo in Washington , DC when he sees a little
girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar
of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of
her screaming parents.


The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on
the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the
biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A
reporter has watched the whole event.

The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most
gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'

The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind
bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a
journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front
page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do
you have?'

The biker replies, I'm a U.S. Marine and a Conservative

The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys the Washington Post to see if it indeed
brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH

...and THAT pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days

When I was just a little girl,
I asked my mother: "What will I be?
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?"
Here's what she said to me:


"You're a boy, you idiot. Now get out of your sister's clothes and get ready for school."

a rolling stone give you .......

a hell of bruise!

What's red and smells like blue paint?

Red paint

blue paint in red paint can

what happen when frog park in illegal parking space?

it's get toad!

hear about the woman was married so many times?

she hired her own justice of the peace.

do you know when there is a kidnapping. is fact, the person, who kiddnapping someone. it is mostly someone you know like a friend or a family member.

that's amazing, i thought when someone get kidnapped, someone does in ransom.

A circuit preacher was uncertain about the way to town.
At a crossroads he stopped to ask for directions from a boy of twelve who was fishing in the pond at the foot of the embankment. The boy said nothing. He merely stared at the circuit rider's sorry-looking horse. Swaybacked, it looked as if it's next step would be it's last. The circuit rider asked for directions again: "Which fork do I take to get to Coreyville?"
The boy responded: "Who are you, mister?"
Circuit rider: "I follow the Lord."
Boy: "It don't matter much which road you take. On that nag, you'll never catch up with him."

The last place I ate, the food was so bad I begged them to put me back on intravenous feeding.