miscellaneous jokes

Thank you!

Dan's got me laughing, for sure.
I'm still chuckling over the math joke.

Remember this funny lady? Phyllis Diller:

I descended from a very long line my
mother once foolishly listened to.

Here's one from Bill Cosby:

Fatherhood is pretending that the
parent you love is soap on a rope.

How does one know when their kids are growing up?

The bite marks are higher!!

When my kids were smaller,
I always figured I had done
my job if the kids were still alove
when dear hubby got home from work.

First guy asks: "What's the latest dope on Wall Street?"

Second guy responds: "My son!"

A boss was determined not to hire an Irishman, so he decided to set a test for Murphy, hoping he wouldn’t be able to answer the questions, and he’d be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument. The first question was, ‘Without using numbers, represent the number 9.’
So Murphy say’s, “Dat’s easy” and proceeds to draw three trees.
The boss says, “What's that?”

Murphy says, “Tree ‘n tree ‘n tree makes nine.” “Fair enough,” says the boss. “Second question, same rules, but represent 99.”

Murphy stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree. “Der ya go sir,” he says.
The boss scratches his head and says, “How on earth do you get that to represent 99?”
Murphy says, “Each trees dirty now! So it’s dirty tree, ‘n dirty tree, ‘n dirty tree, dat’s 99?
The boss is getting worried he’s’ going to have to hire Murphy, so he says “All right, question three. Same rules again, but represent the Number 100.”
Murphy stares into space again, then he shouts, “Got it!” He makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says, “There ya go sir, 100.” The boss looks at Murphy’s attempt and thinks, “Ha! Got him this time.” “Go on Murphy, you must be mad if you think that represents a hundred!”

Murphy leans forward and points to the marks at the tree bases, and says, “A little dog comes along and poos by each tree, so now you’ve got dirty tree an’ a turd, dirty tree an’ a turd, dirty tree an’ a turd, which makes one hundred. When do I start me job?”

Old Josh was sat in his garden, sunbathing in the deck chair when he noticed his grand-son kneeling on the lawn with a worm. When he asked his grandson what he was doing, he found that he was trying to push the worm down the hole from which it came.


"If you can get that worm back in that hole I'll give you ten dollars," said Josh.


His grandson sat and thought for a moment, then rushed into the house. A few minutes later he returned with his mother's hair spray. He picked up the worm by one end and, as he let it hang down, he sprayed it all over with the hair spray. The spray set and the worm became stiff and hard. It was now easy to push the worm back in the hole. Josh was amazed. He gave the boy ten dollars, picked up the hair spray and went indoors.


About an hour later Josh came back into the garden and gave his grand-son another ten dollars.


"But grandpa," said the boy, "you've already given me the ten dollars you promised."


"That's from your grandma," said Josh.

;lmao; ;lmao ;



I just got back from a pleasure trip.
I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

The guy answers, "A scotch, please." The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."

The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again."

The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"

The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!" The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."

To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."

Luvin' your jokes, Dan.

.....dirty tree and a turd!

My sister says she was watching her granddaughter
one weekend and didn't realize that the wee one
caught a glimpse of her as she was getting in the shower.
Later, her granddaughter told her:

"Gramma, when I grow up I hope my breasts
will be nice and long like yours."

Every year we'd ask my mom what she wanted for her birthday.
Every year she'd respond: "What do I want for my birthday?
I want you kids to get along. All I want is peace in this house."

Wellll, we saved a lot of money on gifts!

one day, a distributor of dress company went to one of his vendor. the saleman goes the owner, and the saleman said, ' i have dresses for you. ' the owner said to him, ' no, i don't need to any dresses from you, there is 100 of you out there! ' every years, the same thing happen, the vendor come to this company, and the owner said the said thing, ' no, i don't need dresses, there is 100 of you out there! ' one year, the vendor goes to this company and the same thing happen again. the vendor ask; ' i have dresses for you. ' one again, the owner said to him, ' no, i don't need any dresses from you. there is 100 of you out there! ' this time, the vendor to him, ' for years, i come here, you turn me down. you keep tell me, there is 100 of me out there! ' the owner said to him, ' that's right, there is not 100s of you, but thousands of you! '

a man want to be a great composer like beethoven. the man study everything that beethoven composed. it wasn't enough for this man, he want more. the man decide go to the grave of beethoven. he thought he get inspirition, if he saw the body of beethoven. the man without permission, dig up beethoven. finally, he dig up the coffin, and lift up to the ground. then the man open it, and at last, he had his long answer. the man look down at the body of beethoven. he think i can't compose of the works of beethoven ever, because right now, it's in impossible. because right now, beethoven is decomposing.