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Cpat92

Once in a Lifetime

Somewhere in the background,

#16

Aug 05, 2012 @ 03:34:11

I don't think you were an ass. You did the right thing. Now, she will have to learn her lesson by herself (hopefully she does). Things would have been WAY worse if you decided to give her money. You would have been an enabler. The guilt of being an enabler is worse than not doing it and thinking if you're an a** or not.

Willi

this could be heaven

north in, Illinois

#17

Aug 05, 2012 @ 03:53:01

dang.
and i thought i had mom problems.

can you kill her?

JOKING

sweetheart5545

, Florida

#18

Aug 05, 2012 @ 04:01:07

@Aden Said

On top of having an already s*** day (some jackass side swiped my car taken almost half the drivers side with him, and then drove away) I got a phone call that I almost never expected this evening.

Many probably don't know, those with a good memory might, that I had a real love/hate relationship with my mom. Living with a junkie will do that, I guess. On her lucid days she was okay, most times she was partly psycho. I ended up hooked on drugs, went to rehab, went back home, relasped...Her boyfriend made things really rough for me back in 2010 and, at the suggestion of many here, I found a different place, did another stint of rehab and counselling, finished school, hit the pipeline like I said I would.

I was gone for a three month stint and thought about not going back, but.. I worried. Who'd call the ambulance this time she overdosed? What if she died? So I stopped by. She was still with the same guy (this has gotta be a world record, I swear) so I didn't make it past the front door, she wasn't really interested in seeing me anyways. But she was breathing, so hey..

I've gotten phone calls from her a few times for bailing her out - usually a public drunkness or disturbing the peace or some minor charge. The last time she calld both her and her boyfriend were arrested (pulled over on suspected drunk driving and ended up with intent to sell, posession, resisting arrest.. there was a list). So my umpteenth time to the cop shop to bail her out, the Foster (a cop I've dealt with lots) talks some sense (I hope) into me and I leave her there. Plus, she'd be sober for a bit. Maybe enough to get her clean.

Anyway, my phone rings and it's my mother. Been out of jail and day and she calls me to ask for help, that she needs money. Completely high as f***. I don't know whether I was more angry, sad, or what, but I told her I had stuff to do and she could call me back in an hour.
So I sat, and thought, talked with the girlfriend (who is saying I finally got the devil out of my life, don't let her back in) but.. She's my mom, right?
She calls back and I told her I couldn't help her, and I hung up.
But now I'm feeling like s*** and I don't know if that was right or not. I don't know what to do.

Take it from me,one of my family member's is on drugs also,he has been on drugs for years,he thinks he can get off of the drugs by himself,but the the truth is noone can get off drugs by themselves,they can't get off the drugs until their ready,no matter how many times you tell them not to do it,and no matter how much you want to help them,you honestly can't,until they have hit rock bottom,and are finally ready to get the help that they need.

white_swan53

right here,

#19

Aug 05, 2012 @ 11:18:35

@Aden Said

Yes, absolutely you did the right thing.
The only time she remembers she has a kid is when she wants something , you to bail her out, to give her money etc..
Plus, If you aren't spending your own money on drugs, why would you allow her to spend your money on drugs ?

Cpat92

Once in a Lifetime

Somewhere in the background,

#20

Aug 05, 2012 @ 13:48:31

I hope this situation gets better for you and your mother learns her lesson and gets the much needed help to get better.

Aden

, Canada

#21

Aug 22, 2012 @ 16:23:15

@restoreone Said

You might want to look in to something like Al non.They even have online chats you can join.Drugs user are very good at making you feel guilty for not helping them out. That is one of the things they want you to feel.

I still go to NA every week or so. Not quite Al Anon but the they are pretty understanding I need to go off on a rant.
Or is it more like counselling?

Aden

, Canada

#22

Aug 22, 2012 @ 16:27:54

@white_swan53 Said

Yes, absolutely you did the right thing.
The only time she remembers she has a kid is when she wants something , you to bail her out, to give her money etc..

Huh. I tihnk you pretty much summed her up right there. But what if, one of those times, it might actually work?
I hate what if's..

Aden

, Canada

#23

Aug 22, 2012 @ 16:34:01

@Electric_Banana Said

Don't leave her high and dry but don't ruin yourself giving her all your funds either. Contact community help and get her taken into a rehab.

After our phone call, I stopped by the house just to see...I don't know. Her friend let me in and went to get her. Really awkward standing there in your old home.
Anyway, she came out and we talked for a few minutes, then she lost her s*** and started screaming (I'm ungrateful, neglecting son, just like my father, blah...). I let her finish and left again.
Leaving her high and dry seems harsh, but it's so f***ing hard dealing with that anymore.

Drgnfly83

, Virginia

#24

Aug 22, 2012 @ 16:49:20

@Aden Said

Your mom needs help (mentally). She needs to take the high road and admit herself into a rehab place. As far as you go, you sound like you handled things well. You didn't give her money, you didn't bail her out, and you didn't argue back, when really, she was just trying to get you worked up and make you feel bad.

It's sad that she chooses to treat her son like she is treating you, however, you can choose to not allow her to treat you the way she is treating you.

Change your phone number, stop picking up the phone when she calls, don't give her money. She needs to realize that she has a problem and if you keep enabling her, she will continue to use and abuse you the way she has in the past.

Kudos to your for going to rehab and getting help. I have a similar story except, I never went to rehab. I stopped myself, cold turkey. It's a very hard thing to do and it is always a fight to keep it away.

I have been clean for a little over five years and I do not regret that choice for one second. I find myself having doubts daily, but I fight the urge to walk back into that life. It takes self-control, the will to want to stay clean, and a lot of support from friends and family. It sounds like she is not the person you want supporting you and your new found life (drugfree). Her loss. Not yours. You are making a better life for yourself and she is dragging you down. You have to cut ties with her, if that is something that will keep you on the right path, drug free.

If you want to talk, please, PM me. I am more than willing to talk about things.

Again, Kudos to you for the clean life. Keep your head up. Keep trucking forward, you are doing the right thing.

sTreetAngeL

root tedt ree

in a paradox,

#25

Aug 22, 2012 @ 16:57:39

@Aden Said

Mother or no mother, until she seeks the help she needs; until 'she' wants that for herself, there is nothing you can do to help her - nor should you want to until then; or she will only serve to drag you down.

She is the adult; she is the one whom should be there for you 'first'; not the other way around. Yet, you sound to be the more mature one in the relationship...
Also, sounds like your dad wouldn't take her s***; he wouldn't baby coax her...
Take a cue from him. She needs to grow up.
Until she does, until she starts taking responsibility for herself , everyone around her is going to be miserable.

Aden

, Canada

#26

Aug 22, 2012 @ 17:34:04

@Drgnfly83 Said

I think when she realised I wasn't there to "help" her, s*** went south. I told myself not to be disappointed, but... What do you do.
I was really hoping that bein clean while she was in jail would have helped her. And while I sometimes wish she had never called me, I don't know that I'll change my number so she can't. I keep pictuing her laying there while I waited for the ambulance. What if she tried to call while overdosing, and couldn't?

I won't claim to be 100% drug free... I still drink socially now, and it's very rare that I'll share a joint. Of course, that usually happens when I have to take a piss test for work. But I'm not a recreational (read full blown chronic high) user anymore, nor can I be. That I know. But I've made some big changes.
And thank you.

Aden

, Canada

#27

Aug 22, 2012 @ 17:43:26

@sTreetAngeL Said

I don't know anything about my father except he knocked her up and left. I've never met him, but I don't think he was, or would be, much better then she. Hard to say; they were really both kids anyhow.
I remember my grandmother getting drunk one night (She usually doesn't drink - not that I know of, anyway) and she said that my mother was the perfect child until my father, and then I, came along and ruined her childhood.
Maybe she's still getting over that. But she wouldn't ever go to even an NA meeting so it makes it hard.

Drgnfly83

, Virginia

#28

Aug 22, 2012 @ 17:55:20

@Aden Said

While I understand what you are saying regarding her laying on the floor overdosing and trying to kill herself or whatever....I also have to say to that, what a selfish person she is. That act alone is selfish, and horrid to put any child through (I don't care how old the "child" is). What is even more sad is that you constantly live with fear and are thinking constantly about what she is doing. Here is a bit of advice take it or leave it, eventually, you have to let it go or she has to change. Maybe that is something you need to tell her. You are an adult and need to live your life. You do not need to live your life constantly in worry about her. Its not your job. She is a very selfish person and its pretty clear she doesn't care about anyone but herself. If you want to continue to let her be that way in your life, then you have to blame yourself for feeling how you feel.

I guess I can't really say I would know how I would react if that situation were laying in my lap, but...I know that I have done similar to my parents, and I was very selfish, very...and I didn't think about or care about anyone but myself. In that moment in my life, my mom told me to get help or she would no longer help me. Basically it came down to, Nichole, if you continue life like this, I will hand you over to the authorities, and you are on your own. You are choosing to live life like this, and its selfish of you, because I love you very much, but, I am not going to sit around and watch you kill yourself.

I think you have to come to the realization that ultimately it is her choice to get help, it is her choice to have you a part of your life, but by constantly being there, worrying, you are enabling her to not want to change s*** about her life, because she knows you will come to the rescue. You have to cut that s*** off and let her know that you will not sit around and watch her kill herself. She can choose to lose her son, or get help.

Again, just advice for you. I hope it doesn't sound to harsh and mean, but in situations like this, the truth hurts, its brutal and sometimes, it is what is needed.

Dark_Tink

Think off-center

, Canada

#29

Aug 22, 2012 @ 19:26:48

@Aden Said

(I haven't read any replies yet, so here's my input)

It hurts like hell, but it had to be done.

You have been enabling her all this time by bailing her out and if you gave her money.

Your GF is right. You need to step away and not have anything to do with her.

It not easy, since she is your mother and you do care for her, but you need to do it and stick with it.

Those outside the situation can see much more clearly about what is happening and what you need to do. Be strong and listen to the advice your GF and the officer gave you.

someone_else

Not a dude.

Deleted

American Alps, Washington

#30

Aug 22, 2012 @ 19:45:02

Aden, I just saw an ad (on a different thread) that made me think of you. It was for www.livingsober.com and it said "Parents! There's hope yet! Talk about recovery!" Or something like that.

I think it was supposed to be aimed at the parents of drug addicts but it could be interpreted as there being hope for your parent(s).

I don't have anything else to offer that hasn't been said. It is not your job to bail out your mom or financially support her. If her situation wasn't of her own doing, I would feel differently (ex: if she was ill or disabled). But she brought this on herself and on you. The best thing you could do for her is to take care of yourself.

It does sound harsh and cruel and I can appreciate you feeling like you're doing something wrong...but this is not your job. You've probably heard of "tough love" before. This is the situation that you're in now. She needs to take responsibility for herself.

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