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May 10, 2008 @ 16:46:02

kidplaya

General
385 points

16/M/Cincinnati, Ohio
Join Date: May 2008

i wrote this poem. it is called Trial of Death.

A dark lonely road,
I am going down.
People are watching me,
while they wear a frown.
The life of a man,
is about to end.
As i make,
that final bend.
I am going,
to see Death's best.
As I go,
into eternal rest.

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May 10, 2008 @ 16:47:40

lord_dj

Über Master Debater
9141 points

15/M/you really want to know =$,
Join Date: Jan 2008

I'd change or remover the
"As i make,
that final bend."
bit, It sounds like your rhyming for the sake of rhyming if you know what I mean

sigs suck

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May 10, 2008 @ 16:50:20

gammaray3

Mega Über-Meister
3390 points

53/F/giessen, Germany
Join Date: Jun 2007

All right, I like it

Per Aspera Ad Astra

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May 10, 2008 @ 17:04:55

kidplaya

General
385 points

16/M/Cincinnati, Ohio
Join Date: May 2008

origionally it was worded like this:

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May 10, 2008 @ 17:05:39

kidplaya

General
385 points

16/M/Cincinnati, Ohio
Join Date: May 2008

origionally it was worded like this:

The life of a man,
is about to end,
as he makes,
that final bend.

it was al commas instead of the periods

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May 10, 2008 @ 17:07:53

lord_dj

Über Master Debater
9141 points

15/M/you really want to know =$,
Join Date: Jan 2008

I'm just saying, when I reasd those two lines, (no matter how theyre worded) rhyming end and bend...
It just soumds a bit... how can I put it... tacky

sigs suck