Got it off another forum. Made me laugh.
A Day in the Life of Axl Rose
A.M.
7:00 - Wake up, spend two hours thinking about Slash.
9:00 - Get out of bed. Order my maid Henrietta to make me breakfast.
9:05 - Henrietta brings me breakfast. I tell her she looks like a man and her name should be Henry. She doesn't get it. Angry now, I pretend I never ordered breakfast and fire her. She doesn't understand English very well so I laugh maniacally at her expense. It is quite a humorous situation, and as she flees from my mansion, I throw bras from my groupie stash at her through the upstairs window. One of them hits her on the head and she falls down. That's when I realize it wasn't a bra, it was a bullet. I don't know how the gun got into my hand, so I give it to my gardener Enrique. When the police pick him up he doesn't know what's happening and I just give him the OK-signal with my fingers. Ah, the advantage of hiring illegal immigrants to do your work.
9:10 - Go downstairs, scare away any homosexuals who might be standing outside my home trying to scare me. Write myself a note to remember to fire the maid later. Write myself a note to remind myself to stick the other note on the fridge so I don't forget the other note.
9:23 - Finish eating breakfast, stare at the clock until it's 9:25 because I have nothing better to do
9:25 - Go upstairs, take a shower
9:40 - Step out of shower, spend a half hour practicing "intimidating faces" in case I meet Slash or Duff by accident. Remind myself to read my notes downstairs by tying floss around my finger.
10:00 - Meditate for an hour to relieve stress. Interrupted halfway through by a Guns N' Roses song on the radio. I smash the radio on the floor with my foot and this reminds me of the Patience video. I suddenly see Guns N' Roses everywhere and I run downstairs and scream at the top of my lungs.
10:35 - As I'm screaming I suddenly realize everyone is out to get me.
11:00 - Call Dizzy Reed and tell him he's fired for being an a*****e and trying to steal my fame.
11:05 - Call back Dizzy Reed and apologize for calling him an a*****e, say I meant to call him a f**khead dipsh*t.
11:10 - Call back Dizzy Reed and apologize for calling him a ****head dip****, tell him he's hired again.
11:14 - Regret re-hiring Dizzy Reed; contemplate firing him again
11:15 - Decide not to fire him after all.
11:15:36 - Fire Robin Finck instead.
11:16 - Try to play guitar; get frustrated and throw it out the window in a fit of rage because I suck at it. Accidentally strike the gardener with it; tell the maid to get rid of the body.
11:20 - Write a song about how horrible life is. Mention the dead gardener and my remorse for killing him.
11:21 - Make sure the maid properly disposed of the body.
11:22 - Realize the maid didn't obey my orders and instead called the police on me. I yell at the maid for ten seconds before walking outside and realizing the gardener isn't dead after all, he's crawling through the grass. I realize he hasn't cut the garden in weeks so I grab my guitar, and hit him over the head for fooling me into paying him money for doing no work. "You damn spic!" I say, "what did you think that stick of Wrigley's and the spare tire was for last month?! You just want a free ride, don't you?! BASTARD!" I kick him in the stomach multiple times as I yell racial slurs.
11:23 - I sit on the grass and spend five minutes staring at the dead gardener next to me, wondering why I lost my temper. Then I remember why and I start beating his dead body again.
11:25 - I finally run out of steam and realize I've made a mistake.
11:26 - I kick the body one more time.
11:27 - The police arrive. I slip them fifty bucks and a studio copy of The Blues as a bribe. They tell me they don't listen to any Bon Jovi music and arrest me.
11:30 - This police car smells funny.
11:37 - Chuckle to myself when I see that someone has written COPS R GAY on the back of the headrest.
P.M.
12:00 - This big guy in the jail keeps winking at me. A big black man keeps calling me "Baby Doll." I tell him he's a f@g and he nods yes. I am very scared.
12:05 - Big Guy is trying to rape me. He tells me he really loves the song "We Are the Champions" and I tell him he's got me confused with somebody else. I say I'm not gay and he says, "So? Neither was I five years ago when I got here. Now I'm f*ckin' Pee Wee Herman."
12:10 - I am very scared.
12:15 - Ouch.
12:20 - OUCH.
12:42 - Yoda bails me out of jail. My bum still hurts.
12:45 - I stop to buy some anus cream at Rite Aid.
12:50 - We get back to the house and I thank Yoda and ask her if I'm going to be arrested for murder, but she assures me she has planted evidence on another one of my Spanish maids. I grin enthusiastically and hug Yoda, before I remember she's gross and dirty and I spend three minutes scrubbing my body off with a loofa.
12:53 - Police arrive at my house; arrest the Spanish house servant. Inspires me to write a song about feeling betrayed by homicidal house servants, before I remember she wasn't guilty. Then I laugh maniacally for ten minutes.
1:00 - Go downstairs, eat some oatmeal. Sitting down still hurts my bum. Call the police station and tell them not to listen to anything the house servant says; she's crazy, I say. They say she can't talk because she has a tongue fungus from being given no medical care, and I laugh into the phone, then pretend I'm crying, to cover up. The cop asks me if I know who treated her with such lack of human decency and I say, "O.J. Simpson, maybe?" The cop says, "Damn that O.J. Simpson! Will he NEVER learn?!" I hang up the phone and laugh maniacally.
1:05 - I kickbox for a half hour. One of my bastard sons calls me on the phone and calls me "Dad" - I tell him to go suck his d*** and **** off, then I kickbox some more. My son calls me back and threatens to go to the press and tell his mother's story. I tell him I'll give him fifty bucks and a Chinese Democracy CD if he gives me his address. He agrees enthusiastically.
1:10 - I give his address to the FBI and tell them he works for the Al Quadea.
1:30 - Slash is on the TV making fun of me. I go to my computer and print out a picture of Slash, then I glue it to the boxing bag and proceed to flail about like a sissy in a fit of rage for a half hour punching and kicking "Slash." After a half hour I realize it just doesn't look like Slash, so I call over one of my foreign house servants, rip out her hair and stick it on the boxing bag. It still doesn't look like Slash though so I give her back her hair. She asks me if I'll take her to the hospital so I punch her in the stomach for being disrespectful of my needs.
2:00 - Watch three consecutive episodes of "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" with a grimace on my face as I imagine how much I'd like to beat up those f@gs. Inspires me to write a song called "One in a Trillion" about f@gs and Spanish people.
3:30 - I hate Warren Beatty.
3:32 - I begin to watch d*** Tracy and pretend the little boy is Slash and Madonna is Duff. I root for Al Pacino and pretend he's me. I ignore the ending though and reinvent my own - Pacino wins and Warren Beatty, Slash and Duff all die when I crush their skulls and throw them in a fiery furnace.
3:35 - That bald house servant is crying again. Why doesn't she just go home? Ooo I ripped off her scalp, big deal. Go cry to mommy. b****.
4:00 - Realize I never got dressed after my shower; go upstairs and spend an hour trying to decide what to wear, the Charles Manson shirt or the bandana and leather pants?
4:36 - I call Dizzy Reed and ask him what I should wear. He tells me to wear the leather.
4:42 - I call Dizzy again and tell him I forgot which one he told me to wear. He says the Charles Manson shirt. I hang up and put on the Charles Manson shirt.
4:45 - I realize the Charles Manson shirt has no pants to match, and leather and red certainly don't go together. I call Richard Fortus and ask him what he thinks. He says I should just go naked underneath but I think maybe I could get arrested for doing that; he agrees after much deliberation and tells me to wear a skirt. I tell him I'm a man and he says, "Oh yeah, I forgot." He tells me to wear the leather then.
5:00 - I decide upon the leather pants after much debate.
5:30 - I strip naked after deciding the leather pants are too tight. One of the buttons pops off from the pressure of my huge stomach against the fabric and strikes my maid in the eye; she goes temporarily blind. She asks me to take her to the hospital again and I throw her out the window for not taking into consideration my personal demands as an artiste.
5:35 - I have a meeting with my psychiatrist. I tell her no one recognizes my personal needs as an artiste and she tells me that's because my music sucks. I punch her in the stomach and take her to the doctor afterwards to make sure the baby is still alive. While she's being examined I call Merck from the waiting room and tell him to send her husband a smoked ham as a token of my apologies. Merck says this may be considered insulting and I tell him if he doesn't listen I won't be his friend anymore. He says I'm not his friend and he is the butt end of my cruelty. I tell him to just send the damn ham.
5:55 - The doctor says the baby is okay.
6:00 - I call Merck and tell him to cancel the ham.
6:05 - I go downstairs and put some bread in the toaster. I see my note on the fridge and call over the maid Paula. She asks me what I want and I say she's fired. She begins to cry and I say, "Oh wait, there's another note here, let me read it." I begin to smile warmly and place a loving hand on her shoulder. "Oh, don't worry," I say. She stops crying and smiles too. Then I say, "This one just says to remind me to tell you that you're fired." She cries and runs out of the house in a fit. I wonder if she remembered to buy me more beer before she left. I check the fridge and there's no beer. I write myself a note to remember to cancel her payment of smoked hams for this month.
6:35 - Remind myself to stop having memory lapses.
6:40 - Can't remember what happened five minutes ago.
6:45 - Listen to Greatest Hits CD in my stereo and dance to the songs. Then I realize they all suck and I am so pissed off I throw my speakers at one of my maids.
6:50 - Call Geffen. Call them pussies and tell them to pull Greatest Hits off the shelves.
6:55 - Organize the release of Greatest Hits II: Axl Is The Ruler of the Universe. Merck thinks they may be hesitant to keep the title. I tell him to go f*ck himself or die trying. He calls back three minutes later and says he didn't have to die trying, he managed in three tries. I tell him he's a sick f*ck and hang up the phone after he asks me if I have any anus cream left.
7:00 - I call Paula's house and tell her to come over and make me some food. She says no and that she has never experienced such humiliation before. I say, "I know you spics love free rides, so I'll even come pick you up in my Ferrari." A weird slamming sound hurts my ears followed by a static buzz. I keep talking and she ignores me, so I start cussing her out.
7:05 - After five minutes of rambling and talking about how I'm a musical artiste who demands recognition for my personal needs, I realize Paula has hung up on me. I slowly hang up the phone, sceptical.
7:10 - In a fit of rage I order some pizza. The foreign guy on the other end of the line asks me for a Horn Raider. I ask him what the **** he's talking about and he starts jabbering at me in some damn foreign dialect. I tell him "You goddamn spic, learn to speak dee Eng-lush!" Then I slam down the phone.
7:15 - I call back and apologize for my behavior. He accepts my apology, then I laugh at him and tell him to go f*ck his mother.
7:20 - I call another pizza place and order a couple larges. I invite Dizzy Reed and Robin Finck over to my house. Robin tells me I fired him earlier and I say "Oh yeah." I tell him I changed my mind and he says he'll be right over.
7:25 - Dizzy arrives at my door.
7:40 - Robin arrives at my door. I tell him he's fired. He cries and runs off into the night. I laugh maniacally.
8:00 - I fire Dizzy Reed and go to bed.
9:00 - I can't sleep so I turn on the news. O.J. Simpson is being brought to trial again for treating one of his house servants poorly. I laugh maniacally, which usually puts me to sleep, but this time I'm too restless, so I make an obscene phone call to Slash. He says, "Is this Axl?" and I can't think of a witty comeback so I say, "I know you are but what am I?!" After a brief moment of awkwardness he says, "Go to bed, Axl," and hangs up.
10:00 - I cry myself to sleep hugging my Slash plush toy, sucking my thumb and listening to Contraband on the stereo.
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Oct 03, 2006 @ 14:58:11
