 chisa96
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Supreme Goddess
Out in Nature, Wisconsin
Joined: Mar 2008 |
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| So yeah, the same as the thread, but more personal. An easy way for me to get all my thoughts on the topic in one place for future reference, as well as a way of confining everything I have yet to say on the subject to one thread. My Brother
My Crazy Brother
Go Me!
Bleugh
My Dad
Really Nervous...
Not really relevant, just wanted to mark it
Not really relevant, just wanted to mark it
gosh darn Him
I\'ll Never Know When My Brother Dies
How Do I Convince You?
Apparently He\'s Been Committed Again
f*** the Heath Care System
I HATE Him
Well That\'s One Problem Solved
He Wants to Stay Here
My Odds
Okay, so I had no idea that I had rambled so much about this stuff. I thought there were only a few threads. That took a lot longer than I thought it would, but clearly one thread is needed to contain it-- much easier for those who are bored of the topics to ignore, or for those who are actually interested to find I guess. And maybe I really will pull some semblance of a book out of this crap. It's certainly something I can write enough about. Obviously. | |
chisa96
Supreme Goddess
| No. I don't actually hate him. I don't look down on him, and I understand that it's not all his fault that things went down for him the way they did.
But when my mother is crying and my dad is ranting, it's just fricking easier to say "f*** him for what he's done to his family." I'd never say it to him, and I don't even believe myself, but it just feels better somehow so I'm going to say that whenever I need to.
In actuality though, I love my brother. And I miss him. |
chisa96
Supreme Goddess
| Quote:
Oct 27 03
2:45PM; I am getting ready to talk to Roger about computer use times. Roger just came home and I?m going to tell him that 11:00pm is the new cut off time.
10:00PM; I?ve had an unusually late meal so I must wait until 11 to take my medicine; I think i?ll just lay down and rest until 11.
Oct 28 03
2:20AM; I managed to make it to my desk and checked my medicine cartridge for my bedtime dose. I immediately saw that I had missed my last dose. Hence, I took my medicine with a can of pop.
I think I'm going to see if I can con my brother into doing something like this. I talked to him again today, and surprisingly I still haven't made it to his "out to get him" list; he still seems somewhat receptive to what I say. He responds with grunts and "uh-huhs" instead of yelling, at the least.
But anyway, he's stuck in his tiny apartment, and I'm fairly certain his cable has been disconnected by now, so if nothing else it would give him some small way to entertian himself. And it could be helpful, I think. It seems like a good way to get at least a fraction of organization to his thoughts, perhaps bring him to reality even a tiny bit.
Or more likely, he'll say he'll do it to placate me and then never touch the notebook I give him. Or he will actually do it and it will ammount to nothing. But at least it's a shot. |
chisa96
Supreme Goddess
| It was the first time I got mad at my parents about how they are handling my brother. They won't see him anymore, which I understand after the drama with him and my dad.
But they were critisising my grandmother for still thinking that he can get better. For one thing, the woman is in her 90's; let her have her optimism and be glad that she doesn't have the reality of it weighing down on her.
Then they told me not to even bother talking to him when I told them about the journal thing. You know, I do realize that it will likely ammount to nothing, and I do understand why they can't handle being around him for the time being. But not being able to be with him doesn't mean that nothing should be done and he should just be left to his own devices.
They can't take anymore. I get that, and there are times when it's my brother that I hate for driving them to that despairing place. But there are times that it makes me want to figure out some attempt to keep him going, however futile, and don't talk to me like I'm some naive little child who's just pretending the world will be the same if I can get him to write a few lines.
I'm not naive. And I'm not optimistic, but I'm not leaving him all alone either. They need a break, so I'll step up for a little while. I guess I just won't talk to them about it. |
Kimmler
| | Bless you, you are kind, thoughtful and considerate and a real survivor to boot. |
chisa96
Supreme Goddess
| That was too harsh. My dad is the one no longer doing anything, but helping someone who attacked him is simply beyond his capacity. I don't blame him for that; I'm not sure that I could rally for my brother anymore after that either.
My mom is still fighting, even if she can't be around him anymore. She is trying again to get ahold of his caseworker (who hasn't even called her back yet last I heard-- a*****e) and get him recommitted for a period of time that stands a chance of doing some good. She now got somebody else to handle his funds and pay his bills before giving him the remainder of money, since she can't handle that, and she's not written him off. She is still trying, despite the hopelessness of it all.
It was very wrong to say that they're not doing anything. |
chisa96
Supreme Goddess
| | I wonder if I'm doing more harm than good to my own mental state by giving the topic this much thought. I mean, education on any topic could never be a bad thing, but am I just educating myself or am I dwelling on something negative? |
chisa96
Supreme Goddess
| I still haven't taken that notebook to my brother, or suggested the simple journal idea. I haven't even talked to him since I told him he can't move in.
I feel really selfish, but I just don't feel like talking to him. It's so exhausting, so here I am just sitting on an idea that could potentially prove helpful to his mental well-being because I can't be bothered to call him and go pay him a visit. |
chisa96
Supreme Goddess
| So. I've decided that I'm going to cure schizophrenia. Shouldn't be too hard really; those researchers simply haven't been trying hard enough. What is the chemical problem after all but an excess of dopamine? All that needs to be done then is to repair the dopamine receptors of the brain and badabing! Everyone's cured.
I'm going to do it. And my world will be repaired. |
chisa96
Supreme Goddess
| You know, one thing I find that I really despise as I'm reading sites reguarding treatment particularily, is how optimistically they try to phrase the hopelessness of schizophrenia.
This is generally how they are worded: "While there is no cure for schizophrenia, through a proper regimend of medication and therapy a person with this illness can go on to lead a relatively normal life."
You know what they should say? "There is no cure for schizophrenia. The life you had before is gone, as is the person you were before. Through a life-long daily regimend and intense psychotherapy, we might be able to get you to function well enough that you will be able to shower and hold a crap job for a few months at a time, but only if you commit yourself every day to working your a** off at regaining normality. But even then it will only work for around half of you, and only a quarter of that half live independently again. Oh yeah, and everytime you screw up that regimend the relapses will decimate you." |
chisa96
Supreme Goddess
| He's at the mental health center again. Apparently months of noncompliance with your court ordered meds will get you 72 worthless hours in the acute unit after someone else spends weeks calling everyone she can think of to ask why the hell nobody's doing anything about the noncompliance even after several interactions with the police because of the consequences of it.
What an effective f***ing system this is. |
chisa96
Supreme Goddess
| | My mother is gone on vacation, and has no idea what has happened. I'm so glad for her. I suppose I should tell her, keep her up to date, but he will be out before she gets back anyway. I really don't see the point of burdening her with yet another of these crappy stories. She so rarely has the opportunity to avoid them. |
chisa96
Supreme Goddess
| So, I'm starting to really hate the middle man role. My parents are on vacation, and they don't want my brother to know that they're on vacation. He's been trying to call them and obviously can't get ahold of them.
So he calls me and asks if they've gone somewhere, and I really don't want to lie, but I don't know if he's asking because there's something he wants to talk to them about or if he's gauging whether he'll be able to safely raid their house.
And I'm such a crap liar when caught off guard like that. And he's already so suspicious of us.
I can't even begin to broach the subject of how whether they were home or not they won't be answering his calls anymore. He's not going to understand, and I don't know how to explain it without it becoming an awful, possibly frightening conversation. |
chisa96
Supreme Goddess
| So my mom and dad are out getting trashed right now, and I don't blame them. I hope they find some solace in it. I hope the alcohol removes their conciousness of this s***ty situation for the night.
Joel's court date has been pushed back a few months. He is officially freed from his court order to take his meds, not that did much good when he had it anyway.
My parents are trying to find a lawyer that will get him committed long term, and I don't know anymore if that they're doing this more so that he will get the help he needs, or so that they will be freed from the responsibility of dealing with him.
I wouldn't think badly of them even if it's more about the latter. I look at Justin and I couldn't imagine ever doing such a despicable thing, abandoning him that way when he needed us so badly. But then I look at Joel and I become immediately exhausted and depressed, and I see no other option.
In any case, this will play seamlessly into the suspicions that Joel fosters towards us. We will all have to testify against him again and make him sound like some dangerous crazy man, rub all his faults in his face. It makes me wonder if he's really as paranoid as he seems. It's no longer paranoia if what you predicted comes true, is it? |
chisa96
Supreme Goddess
| And ya wanna know the best part? He's back at my grandma's! Yippie skippie! All that tenseness, that horrible scene we just went through was useless. And now we're all too scared to try it again. That was truly scarring for all involved; I can't even imagine the impact it had on grandma, or my dad. How are we supposed to do that again?
But on the other hand, how are we supposed to sit by and allow him to tap her physical and mental resources? Why can't she just tell him 'no'? This would be so much easier if she just wouldn't let him in in the first place. |
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Chisa's Schizo Journal
June 18, 2010 @ 02:04:09 am
